The woes of being unemployed

After I missed 4 phone calls, 3 texts and 15 emails while sleeping in to the crack-of-dawn hour of 11am, i decided to take fate into my own hands and tackle this insurance issue.

I can’t be without insurance, i have shit going on and i need to be insured so a lapse in coverage would be detrimental. Instead of doing cobra and having to haul into my old office, see my coworkers and cutting them a check for a weeks worth of unemployment every month, i decided to go with individual coverage.

I decided to work with Anthem.  That is who my employer had and I figured it would be easier to just transition that way.  I got through the pre-screening process with flying colors. I gave them my height, weight and medical history, which as far as they were concerned I was healthy as a horse. I had never even been on antibiotics as far as they knew.

Then they put Donna on.  Donna was the closer. Complete with a polished white belt and penny loafers. Donna, the thug she is squeezed me into answering questions about my health.  I accused her of violating HIPPA.  She didnt care.  bitch was a rebel. After she read me the first plan, i told her that $215/mo with a $3,000 deductible was unacceptable and thats when she told me that wasnt the best plan they had. Donna was slippery in her low-balling strategy.  She read me the next plan up.  it sounded better.  But then I asked about the prescription plan. Thats when i knew she had me.

me: “so how much are allergy shots?”

donna: “are you on allergy shots?”

me: “NO! i mean, they were thinking about it and i..uh..didnt want to do it at that time”

donna: “well its $35/visit”

me: “and scripts, lets say they wanted to put me on something…”

donna: “well you pay 40% of everything”

me: “holy shit! thats like $240 each month!”

then i stopped myself.  i had been caught.  the ruse was up.  she knew.

Donna: “whats 240/mo? WHATS YOUR DIAGNOSIS?!”


donna: “well your plan just went up to $550/mo”

me: “unmentionables” *click*

So the next plan was Aetna.  I was armed with my responses. A nice girl named leslie answered.  she went through the pre-screening process which once again  I aced.

Then sara came on the line, she too was pleasant and sold me the plan.  I ended with “lets high five”. She passed me on to some woman who grunted when she answered the phone.  since I had already been sold it was fine.

we went through the series of questions which went something like this:

She-ra: “are you married, single or widowed?”

me: “single”

she-ra: “does your spouse or child have medical coverage?”

me: “im single, no kids”

she-ra: “does your spouse or child have medical coverage?”

me: “yep, still no kids”

she-ra: “you have to answer this question”

me: “i need some coaching…”

she-ra: “please just answer the question ma’am, i cannot help you answer the questions…”

me: “you make me!”

she-ra: “ma’am..”

me: “fine, my fictitious children and soon-to-be husband have health insurance”

she-ra: “so they do have insurance, do you know who through?”

me: “is this a fucking joke?”

she-ra: “ma’am just answer the question”

me: “ok then yes, my children, whom i have never met and my husband that I dont have have health insurance through blue cross. not through you because they would have tracked you down and killed you with their bare hands if they had to go through this screening process because thats the type of people they are. ”

she-ra: “ok, moving on”

67 minutes later my application had been submitted for underwriting. if i didnt have high blood pressure before this, i sure do now.  i just hope i have insurance to cover it.

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