we have been working ourselves silly in the last month so we decided to go on a “date”. I for one, have never understood grown ass people who live together and either are married or about to be married needing to go on a date to an Outback on a friday night. I call that more of a borderline punishment than a “date”.
We pile into the car and ship off to outback because at the end of the day, we were hungry for fat, salt and carbohydrates and since we are starting a business, we have little to no money after our bills and drug habits are taken care of.
Everything is semi normal, we get a beer and a glass of wine because god knows, just like Outback’s european cousin Olive Garden, there is always a wait. My purse decided to take up three chairs at a crowded bar and Jared decided to rock back and forth on his feet like a 5 year old that has to pee.
We are seated by a young lady who had a literacy deficiency (Coccaro: co-care-o guys, not so hard), to her defence, she was only an infant. We are seated at a table with one side being a bench. naturally, having a much larger ass than @jaredwsmith I took the bench.
@jaredwsmith seems to forget we are getting married in 42 days and momma’s the size of a house, he orders cheese fries. thanks, ass.
We get half way through our steaks and I feel its time to start preparation for our impending after dinner meal, dessert. This is when I announce to our waitress, Sandy (who has longer than healthy blonde pigtails) that it is @jaredwsmith’s birthday (in may) and we are celebrating tonight (in september).
Trying to ease the frustration and embarrassment that he has at this point I decide to engage him in the penis game. Like the book The Help, it starts with a whisper. eventually it turns into @scoccaro half shouting the word “penis” in a very crowded Outback Steakhouse on a Friday night.
His dessert arrives, the waitress refuses to sing, so I do. Loudly. for everyone to hear. i am celebrating my life partners birthday after all.
He turns shades of red then purple that i have never seen.
We promptly pay the tab because he is afraid we will get discovered and we vacate.
Once outside @jaredwsmith launches a full-on Penis Game attempt. I have never heard him say the word penis so loudly.
I get over to the car, hop in and lock him out. he stands there knocking on the window and yelling at me as if i have forgotten him on the exterior of the vehicle. Once he sees that I have in fact noticed him but have chosen not to welcome him into the car he starts with the shouting and hand gestures that make his mother proud. We went through the unlocking and locking process when he is finally allowed back in the car.
We rush home listening to bad rap and I make him car dance with me all the way home.
so he says: “thank god there are no PENISES in the road. and by penis i mean speed bumps and by road i mean this parking lot.”
This is who I am marrying.