So @jaredwsmith and I are getting married in…a number of days. 33 maybe? 32? something like that. 10/29/11. So today is the day I had to go in and get my dress altered.
Today marks the third (of four) times that I will be prompted to flash employees of David’s Bridal.
The first was when I was picking out my dress. She must be familiar with girls’ girls because she helped me out of my dress. She could smell my fear. Because I love being in 4×4 rooms with strange women with tattoos on their boobs and and scary long fingernails topless. This was my first encounter with Mega Bra.
A few months later, I return to said Davids Bridal to purchase my very own Mega Bra to wear on mah day. I walked in and spoke to a woman who, very loudly, asked my bra size. Listen, just because I have them and wear them everyday, im a little bashful about broadcasting my bra size to a crowded bridal salon. I was peaking into my purse to find a receipt or gum wrapper I could write my size down on to give to her but before I could even get through my bag she was measuring me. in the middle of where small-chested-girls try on their dresses. Once again, I was told to strip. So again, here i am, in a Davids Bridal bare chested like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, in all my glory being groped by a woman whose job is feeling boobs everyday.
To make matters worse, it was August in Savannah, GA. I was hot, red and sweaty. When I emerged from the 4×4 room I had sex hair and my shirt was rumpled like I had, in fact, engaged in making sex.
I collected my Mega Bra and paid for it. Walking out, I thought I had my cure for every dealing with this again. All I would have to do for the fitting is put the Mega Bra on myself and then somebody would help me into my dress. Problem solved.
Two days later, I am in my mothers bedroom at her house. The moment of truth had come and it was time to put the whole getup on. I went into the bathroom to put on my Mega Bra. Wouldn’t you know, my arms dont bend that way.
This would be the time to explain the Mega Bra. A MB is a girdle. ok. fuck you. its a fucking girdle. it is a spandex tube with boning in it to make my boobs look contained in a strapless manner. I will have you know it does nothing. It covers what it needs to cover but thats about it. It safely adheres my liver to my spine though so I guess thats something.
I wiggle out of the bathroom in my underwear and the MB on the front of me. I weep a little and ask my mom to fasten me. There are 26 eyelets on this motherfucker. 15 minutes and two pairs of reading glasses, we got it on. Granted, we were one off the whole way down, so I was a little lopsided but this was only a test.
Got the dress on, everything was fine. I had to hold the top of MB up so it didnt get stuck on the dress when I put it on (I have to go in UNDER the dress – i cant step into it).
So today came, I knew I would need some help getting all of my gear on to try out the dress and get it altered.
I arrive alarmingly early for my appointment. I was put in a room that didn’t have a door but a small curtain that hardly closed and anytime anyone walked by it would flap in the wind. Wonderful.
Shen comes in and tells me to take off my shirt. I didn’t even know her name at the time. She didnt buy me dinner or take me to a movie. So I take off my t-shirt. She then instructs me to take off my (PE) bra. I turn around and try to keep my shit together and not flash anyone. She hands me my MB and i put it on my front but not before I realize that while she is to my back, I am surrounded by 3 full-length mirrors. there are 3 sets of boobs staring at me. I am hoping nobody else saw my almost-transparent skin. I am a tankini girl as most of you SHOULD be. you know who you are.
Once I get the MB on, I am told I should have a slip. So why not? lets just see how much more money I can spend at David’s Bridal. She returns with a partner this time and with said slip and before I even know whats next, she un-did my entire MB and it went flying off my body from sheer elasticity. Once again, I have flashed my Davids Bridal associate and her coworker. She gets me back into my MB and my new ($70) slip (that I will never. ever. wear. again.).
Then, I have Shen, Davids Bridal Associate A and then Davids Bridal Associate B walks by at a brisk pace and my curtain goes flying. Nobody seems to care as they are putting me into my dress. I think I am home free. With one solid jerk of the dress to get it over my enormous slip, out pop my boobs. I clearly wasn’t paying attention.
I put things back where they belong. I dont make eye contact with anybody in or around Davids Bridal for the remainder of my visit.
The fitting goes swimmingly. We use words like train, bussle and “SQUEEEEE”.
Once the pinning is done, we head back into the 2nd circle of hell where Shen unzips and unhooks faster than a Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But not without exposing yet another part of my body that is never to see daylight. Thats right, my undies were taken down with the zipper of my slip.
She was gone before I could get a little snuggle.