Adventures with ramen and Spanx

About a year and a half ago I found myself in a TJ Maxx at lunch time with a gift card to burn. I didn’t want to spend more than the $35 but I also didn’t want to have to come back to complete the $35 transaction.

My mother always says that you can never be too fat for purses and shoes.

I ended up in the handbag section of TJ Maxx.  If you have ever been there you know what I am talking about.  You can end up with a hand tooled, sacred cow leather bag that can hold your stuff, your kids stuff and make your breakfast or you can get a pleather pocketbook with sequins. I didn’t get the bentley of bags on this shopping trip. I ended up with a tommy hilfinger (knock off perhaps) for $25.00.

I had $10.00 left.  What to buy, what to buy…

I ended up in the sock department.  Who doesn’t need or love socks?

Then i see it, for $7.00, a box of Spanx.

For those of you who do not know what Spanx are, they are like girdles for your butt and thighs. Supposedly they move space, time, fat, muscle and bone to make you appear thinner in your jeans. And! Oprah likes them.  So who wouldn’t want to try some Spanx?

For those of you who read my last post about Mega Bra you might think I have a suction issue.  I assure you, I do not.

I check out with my new belongings and head back to the car.  I pop my bag in the trunk of my car and return to work.

Fast forward 18 months.

The other day I was cleaning out my truck and noticed my TJ Maxx bag.  I decided to bring it in and do something with my $35 worth of stuff.

I put the purse on my tree o’ purses in my closet and then I notice my Spanx.

I had just put ramen in the microwave for @jaredwsmith (we just like eating ramen noodles at midnight like we are college kids.  You smoke weed as an adult and we eat ramen as adults.  back off. ) and I head into the bedroom to make the bed and throw away the purses bag when I notice my little box of Spanx.

Figuring I had a few minutes, why not try them on?

I go to open the box and realize that these were on clearance. Now why would somebody put Spanx on clearance if they are so great? Oh yeah, because they have been opened before.

Normally it wouldn’t bother me however, it is my observation that Spanx are to be worn sans undies. Not for this girl, but for some.

I flip over the box to see what size they are.  Oh yeah, they are a size smaller than I should we wearing.

Some would turn back but not I.  I pulled out the pre-worn, too small, cootie covered flesh colored Spanx and sit down on the edge of the bed to put them on.

After figuring out how not to be tangled in them i finally got both feet in.  I then proceeded to learn three lessons:

First lesson: Spanx are not pants. Do not assume that because things have two tubes for legs that they behave like pants. you may put your feet in them and go to pull them up and you will feel pretty stupid with they snap back into position on your ankles.

Second lesson: they fight back. If you get them up your thighs that you are trying to conceal do not rest yet.  Those assholes will roll back down your thighs with such vigor that you will swear that you will have bruises the next day.

Third lesson: they are like Chinese finger traps for your legs.  If you happen to get the Spanx off your hefty thighs you have not completed the journey.  Due to their excessive length and elasticity you will end up on your back on the floor trying to untangle your feet.

At one point, I thought it would be funny to serve @jaredwsmith his nightly ramen feeding in my new Spanx but instead, I just wrote a blog.

Motherfucking Spanx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *