At some point in every females life she will be a mom. It could be a cat mom, a dog mom, a fish mom, a mom to barbies, a mom to their husbands or a mom to legit kids.
There are many different parenting styles out there and I have taken the time to compile the types of mothers there are in the wild. Below you will find facts about the different characteristics that belong to each species.
The cheerleader: Often seen in the wild wearing her child’s school colors at sporting events. Typically this mother pushes her young into several different sports because she knows deep down that they won’t be any good at school and god knows college won’t pay for itself. When agitated by unruly referees or opposing teams, these mothers will be seen throwing furniture, using foul language or engaging in other activities to demonstrate their distaste.
The vicarious one: This species comes in both male and female. The vicarious one has a similar origin as the cheerleader. Typically the mother will force her young into sports or activities that she, herself, was unable to achieve when she was the age of her child. These mothers can be seen wearing sweatpants with “Cheer Mom” on the ass in metallic print accented with rhinestones.
The mommy blogger: A hybrid between a self-righteous blogger and any other mother-type listed here. Mommy bloggers have a network that they communicate with often referred to as a cult. Unlike ordinary cults however, the mommy blogger cult is harder to get into. They band together to judge you and tell you the consistency of their childs bowel movements and broadcast it to the internet. Mommy bloggers often take to raising their child on their own, without the help of a male figure.
The doctor: Not medically trained but well versed in medical jargon. The doctor prides herself in diagnosing her children with illnesses that would otherwise be over looked by any trained medical professional. The doctor has good health coverage and is on a first name basis with her chosen pediatrician and their respective staff, radiologist, pharmacist, and all other subsequent medical staff that tend to her child on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. When diagnosing a woman as A Doctor, please take heed, there could be an underlying diagnosis of Munchausen by proxy. Munchausen by proxy was brought to light by internationally acclaimed trailer trash, Eminem.
The feeder: Typically an emotionally detached mother who fills her children’s bellies with baked goods instead of their hearts with love. These children will grow to be emotional eaters, go to college for art history and rack up $20,000 in debt on credit cards going to therapy and weight watchers.