I love to run. I am not very good at it, but I enjoy it so fuck it. I have participated in over 20 races in the last 2 years. Any race that occurs in the southeast area I typically will run. I stick with the 5K because let’s face it, I like to eat ice cream and it shows.
Below, I have outlined several types of runners that you will see at any given race. Since I have not (and will not) participate in a marathon or half-marathon, these profiles do not apply to those psychos.
The Elitist: These are the biggest assholes at the race. They are in it to win it, even if there is no cash involved, they want to prove to everyone that they are better than you. Normally, since I am slow as shit, they pass me while I am at the turn typically finishing the race in under 18 minutes. They wear hyper-wicking shirts in bright colors with reflective strips, racing shoes and short, tight shorts because running is apparently similar to competitive swimming, which they probably do too furthering their asshole status. Every elite running that passes me makes me want to stick my finger down my throat to toss up every piece of cheese I have ever eaten. They normally hold power-positions in work and drive sports cars.
The Daily Runner: Behind The Elitist, there is the larger group of Daily Runners. These are guys who are in loose shorts and t-shirts, the women are normally in Nike gear that isnt skin-tight but has wicking capabilities. They wear high-end running shoes and can finish the race in under 24 minutes. This class of runner usually finishes the race and comes back to “cheer on” the slower runners. This normally makes me want to cry because I am finishing the race and I don’t need a fucking cheerleader. Go eat a banana.
The Weekend Warrior: This is the largest class of runners at most races. They normally wear shirts from past races and regular shorts. They can finish the race in right around 30 minutes. They normally are so exhausted they hit the provision tent and nom on the free pizza and beer.
The Once Per Year Crowd: These are the people that if you get stuck behind them you should just hang up your running shoes and walk off the course. They wear the shirt for that days race, they ate pasta the night before for dinner and they have gimmick shoes like the shoes with the zig-zags on the bottom to promote whatever they say that is so far fetched its funny. This crowd usually travels in packs of family members so look out for grandma and her oxygen tank bringing up the rear.
The Conversationalist: These are typically women who sign up in pairs who are just in it to say they did it. If there are more than one they walk side-by-side making it impossible to get past them. Sometimes they run, normally they start out jogging but about a mile into it they resign to power walking and then slow to a normal walking pace. What’s great is they spend the entire race chatting so loudly you have to deafen yourself with your iPod to drown out Cindy chatting to Linda about what brand of floor cleaner gets dried jam out off of tile.
The Running Stroller: A lot of times strollers aren’t permitted in races because they are used as battering rams. These women are the worst. They have to start in the back but they are normally in high-tech running gear while their children are bundled up in the stroller. They run with one arm pushing and the other swinging stopping every 30 seconds to pick up a stray goldfish that was launched from the interior of the stroller or a pacifier that is then taken away so their child wails for the remainder of the race. It’s worse if they have two children that require strollers at they are a husband and wife duo.
The Walkers: The walkers don’t bother anybody. They normally have smaller children they they carry on their shoulders because they realize that their children are too small to run 3.1 miles without pissing off everyone in their path. Most of the time they are in jeans because they wont bring their heart rate over resting throughout the entire race.
Lets cover a little etiquette:
- If you’re slow, start in the back. Know your limits, unless you love having your ankles stepped on.
- If you are running and choose to slow to a walk, get the fuck out of the way so they people that are still running don’t trip over you
- If you decide your children should participate in the race teach them to run in a straight line and run in a forward motion at all times. They need to be told not to run in circles around other participants and they need to stay with their designated parent at all times before somebody like me tries out my new taxidermy skills on them.
- If you know your nose runs, bring a tissue and put it in your pocket. A farmers blow is nothing but disgusting.
- When you get water and you are done with it, move to the side to toss your cup because nobody behind you wants to get their crotch wet with your old water cup.
- yay! you finished, now get out of the way so that everyone behind you can finish in a timely manner and have their time recorded.
- We get it, you love free pizza, pick up after yourself, don’t leave napkins and plates on the tables that are out, there are garbage cans everywhere.
So, dear readers, where do you fit in? Or are you still in bed at 8:00 am on a saturday when races occur in your city?