An open letter to my neighbor from across the hall

Dear Dickwad,

I love it when you have loud, angry sex in the middle of the day.

I am truly impressed with your hat collection.

I love it when you park your range rover just on the line, it makes you look like a man who knows how to command such a vehicle.

Your West Virginia door mat reminds me of your humble beginnings.

Your cheap suit collection lets me know that you are important in your day job while your endless carosel of matching cheap women who patronize your apartment nightly tells me you know how to party like a frat boy.

But please, dear neighbor stop slamming your FUCKING DOOR.

It makes my dogs bark and it makes me hate you.

eat your vegetables, you fucking prick,


Your loving neighbors from across the hall at Springwood

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