That Time I Live Tweeted a First Date I Wasnt Invited To

The First Date

That Time I Witnessed A First Date Between a Batman Fan and An Elf.

Storified by Stephanie Ann. · Sat, Aug 25 2012 07:33:26

this fucking guy in a batman shirt here meeting someone for coffee looks like he got stood up. or he was just really early. he looks nervousStephanie Ann.
i might take off my headphones to mock him. maybe. i dont know how important it is.Stephanie Ann.
if he was my dog he would be getting ready to pee on the floor right now.Stephanie Ann.
tapping. we’re tapping. and checking his watch. and tapping.Stephanie Ann.
TAP HARDER!!!!!!Stephanie Ann.
all feet in full tap mode.Stephanie Ann.
maybe hes meeting a hooker for the first time.Stephanie Ann.
tap and stare out the window. its 4:31! maybe theyre not coming!!!Stephanie Ann.
maybe i should play him call me maybe. maybe shes coming.Stephanie Ann.
brah, get some water and be less nervous.Stephanie Ann.
me: hey man, can i get you a cup of coffee? him: "no im meeting someone" me: "yeah, i know, i can tell." him: "oh…right"Stephanie Ann.
i hope this girl is the bitch hes waiting for. i want to punch her for being late.Stephanie Ann.
now we’re both staring at the door. i hate this kid.Stephanie Ann.
we’re 15 minutes late. lets take a vote for the geeky kid waiting on the pretty girl from http://match.com. we got 1 for not coming.Stephanie Ann.
he definitely doesnt want to talk about it. he is definitely crushed.Stephanie Ann.
I got 2 votes for definitely not coming!Stephanie Ann.
fuck! she just showed up! and shes ugly!!!Stephanie Ann.
horrible nose and a frizzy side bun!Stephanie Ann.
what the fuck did she run here? shes sweaty!Stephanie Ann.
her shirt has cut out on the sleeves and she doesnt have a chest to fill it outStephanie Ann.
no ass. sassafras no ass. and late.Stephanie Ann.
FAUX leather skirtStephanie Ann.
she’s picking up the tab for coffee.Stephanie Ann.
Her fake laugh is awfulStephanie Ann.
I wonder if they will have sex tonight?Stephanie Ann.
She lives with her exStephanie Ann.
He looks like he lives with his parents.Stephanie Ann.
theyre whispering. i think they’re afraid of me.Stephanie Ann.
they are discussing how they like their coffee.Stephanie Ann.
yep, once he got a latte with 7 shots of espresso. hes such a badass. she thinks so. so i think so.Stephanie Ann.
i have to look like i am thinking really hard. think. think. thiiiiink.Stephanie Ann.
her eyes look like she has down syndrome.Stephanie Ann.
she looks like an elf. with down syndrome.Stephanie Ann.
they are sitting on the only couch in the whole place.Stephanie Ann.
now we’re talking about kitchen appliances. and how to buy them. i want to be on this date with these people.Stephanie Ann.
they will never have sex. ever. they will adopt children god forbid they get married.Stephanie Ann.
yes, he is recounting the time be bought a dishwasher.Stephanie Ann.
on a first date.Stephanie Ann.
he was in "euphoria" when he found the right dishwasher with the manager of best buy. he said, on a first date.Stephanie Ann.
she looks thrilled.Stephanie Ann.
jesus christ! this dishwasher! i would have fucking left!Stephanie Ann.
she is so tolerant! i hope she doesnt tolerate sex with him! EVER!Stephanie Ann.
shes talking, hes dozing off.Stephanie Ann.
and he changed the subject back to him.Stephanie Ann.
*awkward silence*Stephanie Ann.
now we are talking about the time he had mono and had to take prednisone.Stephanie Ann.
im learning so much beyond that Batman shirt.Stephanie Ann.
and they agree that you should be able to drink and drive. DAMNITStephanie Ann.
apparently he has a DUI.Stephanie Ann.
great first date conversation. have you ever had a DUI?Stephanie Ann.
the DUI makes sense, why would you meet a girl for coffee for only an hour? this place closes at 6:00.Stephanie Ann.
she just said "penis".Stephanie Ann.
hes talking about taking a bath. a manly bath. but a bath.Stephanie Ann.
"so how old are you?" im 33 dude…Stephanie Ann.
i think she wants to kick him in the nuts.Stephanie Ann.
on to the olympics! a non-offensive topics. she did not watch it. topics dead. he is sad judging by him throwing his head back. #tragicStephanie Ann.
oh well, hes forging ahead. archery is the topic of choice.Stephanie Ann.
now mens beach volleyball. burning through a lot of topics.Stephanie Ann.
he seems to know everything. he is a fine, fine young man.Stephanie Ann.
lets take a poll. do you think he will get a smooch at the end of this disaster? i got 1 vote for no.Stephanie Ann.
2 votes for no smoochin’Stephanie Ann.
3 votes for no smoochesStephanie Ann.
i think she thinks hes a leper.Stephanie Ann.
it looks like she just smelled his feet. i didnt hear what he said. but it just got really serious over there.Stephanie Ann.
they’re talking about movies, maybe he asked if she wanted to see a movie? how would they get there? she ran here, he walks everywhere.Stephanie Ann.
4 for no smoochin’Stephanie Ann.
I got 1 for some tender lovin’Stephanie Ann.
there is definitely first date laughter.Stephanie Ann.
he just said something was awkward. she didnt laugh. its amazing that he recognizes awkward.Stephanie Ann.
how in gods name does he still have her attention?Stephanie Ann.
did he just say that he has a fungus?Stephanie Ann.
you know, if he had just let me buy him a cup of coffee, this would have gone so differently.Stephanie Ann.
nope! too proud. gotta wait for the elf with down syndrome. this is what you got a deformed girl and she paid for your coffee.Stephanie Ann.
hes making a whining dog noise.Stephanie Ann.
elf "..yeah" :(Stephanie Ann.
they need to make plans as to where they are going after they. could they be going home?! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME! will you be making s-e-x?Stephanie Ann.
that woman with the matching errant children are back.Stephanie Ann.
she just had a look that said "want to come to my apartment?" he looks like he is lecturing her about STD’sStephanie Ann.
she looks appalled by the lecture. i would be too for being asked on a date for an hour to a coffee house that has no booze.Stephanie Ann.
this guys a pussy.Stephanie Ann.
he is backhandedly calling her a bitch for being late.Stephanie Ann.
telling her a story about how he chewed out some dude for being 30 minutes late. she was 15 minutes late.Stephanie Ann.
he just said "fucked". i bet the mom he still lives with doesn’t allow that kind of language in her house.Stephanie Ann.
i guess hes a twitter user. he apparently tries to be funny.Stephanie Ann.
alright, fuck these guys, i gotta go home. we may never know what happens.Stephanie Ann.
she looks like shes ready to be done. she looks hungry. BUY HER A FUCKING MEAL FOR LISTENING TO YOU FOR 45 MINUTES!Stephanie Ann.
The couple by her car. http://pic.twitter.com/EsjAmavnStephanie Ann.

Why I fucking hate Panera

Since I was a very small child I hate certain noises. I dont fear them, I don’t have Aspergers nor am I Autistic. I may have a mild form of Misophonia. Whatever. Certain noises make me want to smash things.

Enter Panera.

I like the idea of Panera. Overpriced, mildly ok food, clear plastic cups, soup, wifi, hooray right? Fuck no.

They serve chips and some people can’t fucking handle it. And certain fucking adults can’t handle soup either. Clearly there are some mothers out there who never took the parenting class where they covered manners and how to implement those lessons on their young.

It would do wonders for those of us at Panera who know how the fuck to eat like a grown-up if they could post some fucking rules in a conspicuous location that would cover the following items:

  • Clean up after yourself, don’t leave a shit ton of crumbs all over your table
  • If you table 100 napkins out of the dispenser don’t leave them on your table.  Nobody will ever use them, trust us, just throw them the fuck away. It’s less hurtful to the environment if you do it because if i have to do it, I’m going to go outside and kick a tree.
  • Return your buzzer to the proper location. Don’t be a dick. Plain and simple. It’s not that hard, they made it pretty easy on you.  Unless you’re too stupid to handle that and in that case please leave.
  • If you’re going to order chips, chew with your fucking mouth closed or I will personally come over and remove your teeth with my foot so you will be forced to order that bread thing from this point going forward.
  • If you order soup do not slurp or your privileges will be revoked and you will go to hell where satan himself will give you lessons on manners for all eternity.

So, in closing, fuck panera.

Politics According to @scoccaro

So I don’t know a lot about politics.  Ok, so I only know what @jaredwsmith tells me 10 days after it happens and @lemursmanlemurs is still ranting about it on twitter so I ask him.

So I felt that I needed to post about politics in light of the upcoming election that I wont vote at because lets be honest, I think that if you don’t know shit about politics, like myself, you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Kind of like child rearing, if you don’t know anything about them, you shouldn’t be allowed to have them.  I feel like that would stop teen pregnancy and put an end to the Maury show and Teen Mom, which would be a damn same.  I digress.

So here are my bullet points:

  • If it’s not in your body, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on it.
  • If you’re not directly affected by it, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on it.
  • Health care is mandatory, so be healthy and shut the fuck up, its for your own good.
  • Shut the fuck up about religion, if you want to fucking pray, let your freak flag fly but dont be a jackass.  I’m pretty sure everybody is sick of the same religion argument.  How do I vote on that? Who cares less about religion?
  • Put money into schools equally. I’m not sure how I vote on that, maybe I just need to write a letter on that.
  • As for taxes? Vote for whoever will put more money back into small businesses because thats who keeps communities running. It keeps my house running anyway. And thats who I would vote for if I could ever figure out how to vote.
  • The death penalty is cool if you fucked up a lot of people and killed them, but you should die in a humane way even if you didn’t kill those people in a humane way even though it makes you a huge asshole.
  • We should be investing in green energy because we suck and we fucked up a non-renewable source and we are going to pay for it.
  • lets make pot legal for crying out loud.  Its legal to fuck a horse but not to catch a buzz. Its legal to drive “kind of drunk” but you can’t smoke a bowl in the privacy of your own home. It’s legal to marry your fucking cousin but you can’t grow pot to manage your nausea from chemo when nothing else works and you dont want to put more chemicals in your body.
  • Welfare…keep it around, some people its their only lifeline. its how they keep food on the table.  Some people milk the system, thats how it is with everything.  so be it, there are some people who really need it though so you can’t get rid of it.

I took a government class in high school and we had to analyze our stance and mine was “I am a 16 year girl with a 50 year old mans opinion on politics” meaning I was a republican. I blame my parents being from an upscale neighborhood and never wanting for anything i believe made me a young republican and possibly made it so that I never wanted anything to change.  I never needed anything to change.

Churchill said that if you are not a liberal by the time you are 25 you have no heart and if you are not a republican by the time you are 35 you have no brain. Well I’m 28, and I’m neither.  So I guess that means I am the tinman.