Why I fucking hate Panera

Since I was a very small child I hate certain noises. I dont fear them, I don’t have Aspergers nor am I Autistic. I may have a mild form of Misophonia. Whatever. Certain noises make me want to smash things.

Enter Panera.

I like the idea of Panera. Overpriced, mildly ok food, clear plastic cups, soup, wifi, hooray right? Fuck no.

They serve chips and some people can’t fucking handle it. And certain fucking adults can’t handle soup either. Clearly there are some mothers out there who never took the parenting class where they covered manners and how to implement those lessons on their young.

It would do wonders for those of us at Panera who know how the fuck to eat like a grown-up if they could post some fucking rules in a conspicuous location that would cover the following items:

  • Clean up after yourself, don’t leave a shit ton of crumbs all over your table
  • If you table 100 napkins out of the dispenser don’t leave them on your table.  Nobody will ever use them, trust us, just throw them the fuck away. It’s less hurtful to the environment if you do it because if i have to do it, I’m going to go outside and kick a tree.
  • Return your buzzer to the proper location. Don’t be a dick. Plain and simple. It’s not that hard, they made it pretty easy on you.  Unless you’re too stupid to handle that and in that case please leave.
  • If you’re going to order chips, chew with your fucking mouth closed or I will personally come over and remove your teeth with my foot so you will be forced to order that bread thing from this point going forward.
  • If you order soup do not slurp or your privileges will be revoked and you will go to hell where satan himself will give you lessons on manners for all eternity.

So, in closing, fuck panera.

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