The First Date
That Time I Witnessed A First Date Between a Batman Fan and An Elf.
Storified by Stephanie Ann. · Sat, Aug 25 2012 07:33:26
this fucking guy in a batman shirt here meeting someone for coffee looks like he got stood up. or he was just really early. he looks nervousStephanie Ann.
i might take off my headphones to mock him. maybe. i dont know how important it is.Stephanie Ann.
if he was my dog he would be getting ready to pee on the floor right now.Stephanie Ann.
tapping. we’re tapping. and checking his watch. and tapping.Stephanie Ann.
TAP HARDER!!!!!!Stephanie Ann.
all feet in full tap mode.Stephanie Ann.
maybe hes meeting a hooker for the first time.Stephanie Ann.
tap and stare out the window. its 4:31! maybe theyre not coming!!!Stephanie Ann.
maybe i should play him call me maybe. maybe shes coming.Stephanie Ann.
brah, get some water and be less nervous.Stephanie Ann.
me: hey man, can i get you a cup of coffee? him: "no im meeting someone" me: "yeah, i know, i can tell." him: "oh…right"Stephanie Ann.
i hope this girl is the bitch hes waiting for. i want to punch her for being late.Stephanie Ann.
now we’re both staring at the door. i hate this kid.Stephanie Ann.
we’re 15 minutes late. lets take a vote for the geeky kid waiting on the pretty girl from http://match.com. we got 1 for not coming.Stephanie Ann.
he definitely doesnt want to talk about it. he is definitely crushed.Stephanie Ann.
I got 2 votes for definitely not coming!Stephanie Ann.
fuck! she just showed up! and shes ugly!!!Stephanie Ann.
horrible nose and a frizzy side bun!Stephanie Ann.
what the fuck did she run here? shes sweaty!Stephanie Ann.
her shirt has cut out on the sleeves and she doesnt have a chest to fill it outStephanie Ann.
no ass. sassafras no ass. and late.Stephanie Ann.
FAUX leather skirtStephanie Ann.
she’s picking up the tab for coffee.Stephanie Ann.
Her fake laugh is awfulStephanie Ann.
I wonder if they will have sex tonight?Stephanie Ann.
She lives with her exStephanie Ann.
He looks like he lives with his parents.Stephanie Ann.
theyre whispering. i think they’re afraid of me.Stephanie Ann.
they are discussing how they like their coffee.Stephanie Ann.
yep, once he got a latte with 7 shots of espresso. hes such a badass. she thinks so. so i think so.Stephanie Ann.
i have to look like i am thinking really hard. think. think. thiiiiink.Stephanie Ann.
her eyes look like she has down syndrome.Stephanie Ann.
she looks like an elf. with down syndrome.Stephanie Ann.
they are sitting on the only couch in the whole place.Stephanie Ann.
now we’re talking about kitchen appliances. and how to buy them. i want to be on this date with these people.Stephanie Ann.
they will never have sex. ever. they will adopt children god forbid they get married.Stephanie Ann.
yes, he is recounting the time be bought a dishwasher.Stephanie Ann.
on a first date.Stephanie Ann.
he was in "euphoria" when he found the right dishwasher with the manager of best buy. he said, on a first date.Stephanie Ann.
she looks thrilled.Stephanie Ann.
jesus christ! this dishwasher! i would have fucking left!Stephanie Ann.
she is so tolerant! i hope she doesnt tolerate sex with him! EVER!Stephanie Ann.
shes talking, hes dozing off.Stephanie Ann.
and he changed the subject back to him.Stephanie Ann.
*awkward silence*Stephanie Ann.
now we are talking about the time he had mono and had to take prednisone.Stephanie Ann.
im learning so much beyond that Batman shirt.Stephanie Ann.
and they agree that you should be able to drink and drive. DAMNITStephanie Ann.
apparently he has a DUI.Stephanie Ann.
great first date conversation. have you ever had a DUI?Stephanie Ann.
the DUI makes sense, why would you meet a girl for coffee for only an hour? this place closes at 6:00.Stephanie Ann.
she just said "penis".Stephanie Ann.
hes talking about taking a bath. a manly bath. but a bath.Stephanie Ann.
"so how old are you?" im 33 dude…Stephanie Ann.
i think she wants to kick him in the nuts.Stephanie Ann.
on to the olympics! a non-offensive topics. she did not watch it. topics dead. he is sad judging by him throwing his head back. #tragicStephanie Ann.
oh well, hes forging ahead. archery is the topic of choice.Stephanie Ann.
now mens beach volleyball. burning through a lot of topics.Stephanie Ann.
he seems to know everything. he is a fine, fine young man.Stephanie Ann.
lets take a poll. do you think he will get a smooch at the end of this disaster? i got 1 vote for no.Stephanie Ann.
2 votes for no smoochin’Stephanie Ann.
3 votes for no smoochesStephanie Ann.
i think she thinks hes a leper.Stephanie Ann.
it looks like she just smelled his feet. i didnt hear what he said. but it just got really serious over there.Stephanie Ann.
they’re talking about movies, maybe he asked if she wanted to see a movie? how would they get there? she ran here, he walks everywhere.Stephanie Ann.
4 for no smoochin’Stephanie Ann.
I got 1 for some tender lovin’Stephanie Ann.
there is definitely first date laughter.Stephanie Ann.
he just said something was awkward. she didnt laugh. its amazing that he recognizes awkward.Stephanie Ann.
how in gods name does he still have her attention?Stephanie Ann.
did he just say that he has a fungus?Stephanie Ann.
you know, if he had just let me buy him a cup of coffee, this would have gone so differently.Stephanie Ann.
nope! too proud. gotta wait for the elf with down syndrome. this is what you got a deformed girl and she paid for your coffee.Stephanie Ann.
hes making a whining dog noise.Stephanie Ann.
elf "..yeah" :(Stephanie Ann.
they need to make plans as to where they are going after they. could they be going home?! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME! will you be making s-e-x?Stephanie Ann.
that woman with the matching errant children are back.Stephanie Ann.
she just had a look that said "want to come to my apartment?" he looks like he is lecturing her about STD’sStephanie Ann.
she looks appalled by the lecture. i would be too for being asked on a date for an hour to a coffee house that has no booze.Stephanie Ann.
this guys a pussy.Stephanie Ann.
he is backhandedly calling her a bitch for being late.Stephanie Ann.
telling her a story about how he chewed out some dude for being 30 minutes late. she was 15 minutes late.Stephanie Ann.
he just said "fucked". i bet the mom he still lives with doesn’t allow that kind of language in her house.Stephanie Ann.
i guess hes a twitter user. he apparently tries to be funny.Stephanie Ann.
alright, fuck these guys, i gotta go home. we may never know what happens.Stephanie Ann.
she looks like shes ready to be done. she looks hungry. BUY HER A FUCKING MEAL FOR LISTENING TO YOU FOR 45 MINUTES!Stephanie Ann.
The couple by her car. http://pic.twitter.com/EsjAmavnStephanie Ann.