Let’s start at the top. Why are you throwing wishes in wells? Why aren’t you throwing them into the sky like Disney told you to do? Don’t you know that girls like you often fall down wells and are never heard from again? Stay away from wells Carly. You also sold your soul for a wish? In a well? That didn’t seem to go so well.
You seem to have some confusion, but that’s ok, you’re 15? 16? At least you’re not experimenting with cocaine and the token lesbien at your High School. So he’s in your way, then you ask him where he’s going? Young lady, this is not a way to get a boyfriend.
Oh, so you’re kind of easy.
So you told him to get out of your way, then you chased him, then you gave him your number, then he didn’t call you? Is that right? And then you wrote a song about it. Do you know Taylor Swift?
Pro Tip: If he doesn’t call right away, he is a) busy b) busy c) busy d) not into you. You should not a) cut b) cry c) eat pills d) write a song. When he does call, do not tell him you missed him.
So Carly, its clear you need some help but psychologically and musically. I am not here for you.
I have had several brushes with death in my house being that I spend most of my time home alone, so I got to thinking, what would happen if i died? There would be a period of grief followed by a period of celebration of the new-found freedom that Jared will have but then what? So I have created a guide for doting husband in the event of my passing.
My darling Jared, if you are reading this, it is because I have inevitably met my demise. It was probably getting the pasta dryer down from over the cabinets and I lost my balance on the step ladder the landlord left us and i hit my head on the island and bled to death on the kitchen floor. I could have waited for you to come home but then we would have eaten dinner at midnight and you know how I feel about that.
So I have taken the liberty of putting together a brief guide for you after you have put your life back together. Well, you dont have to worry about being woken up my Little Debbie wrappers anymore. I just want to be clear, your new lady friend is a guest in my house.
A few notes I just want to touch on:
- Maggie has won the battle but I have won the war
- Go get my clothes from the garage and put them back in the closet
- Ramen is not a meal
- Do not put a fountain in the front yard unless you join the mob
- Just because you take a shower in the shower doesn’t mean it is clean
- Continue recording Sister Wives and Project Runway
- It is not up to the dogs to take care of the wild animals in the yard, that’s your job
- Do not let your new wife in my kitchen
- If the fridge smells you are going to have to clean it, the fridge will win
- Do not ever cook Rice-A-Roni
- Water my trees, even if you think its going to rain, water them
- Stop putting things in the garage, nothing good will come of that
- Don’t bother renewing my gym membership
- If you notice your date sneaking a bottle of water into a movie theater you need to demand her plan for when she gets caught
- The mop is in the garage
- You have my permission to slap your new lady if she ever talks about me
The imported cheese section at Publix is a very small and coveted area of the supermarket that if navigated well can be very fruitful. However, if uncharted can be very dangerous and frustrating. So here, a few rules of engagement.
- Have a plan. Know what you are getting, if you need bleu cheese, go and get it, do not get distracted, do not get off course. Stick. To. The. Plan.
- Do not browse. Your browsing should be limited to the cheese in which you are intent on purchasing.
- Understand the lay of the land. Publix employees do not really understand that sometimes you have to put all the gruyere next to each other, so if there is a specific brand you are looking for, it could be elsewhere in the case. Be prepared for such catastrophes.
- Do not ask the Apron’s team member for assistance. She is useless.
- Respect that Publix does not have that great of a selection. And you may have to find another store.
- When in doubt, ask a manager. But if you’re at the Main Road location, DO NOT ask the deli manager, he is useless.
I’ll tell you a story. I was looking for some fresh mozzarella because Earth Fare had failed me miserably, and I went to my Publix location, and I waited a full rotation (rotation: 1 minute at the cheese cooler where someone is browsing and does not vacate so that the next person in line has access to the full cooler) and this woman had not moved, she was looking at bleu cheese. So I sighed. She left, THEN SHE CAME BACK!
Anyway, It was my turn and it was just like magazine time all over again. It was awful.
An open letter to the cunt at the imported cheese cooler at the Main Road Public at 5:00pm today:
I know its super fun to go grocery shopping with your “hubby” on a Saturday afternoon. I am sure you spent today watching football and “OMG SPENT ALL DAY CLEANING” and updating your Facebook profile with pictures of your 18 month old.
I know, shopping is SUCH A CHORE! But you know what, you self-centered piece of white trash, I kind of enjoy it.
Judging by what you had in your cart, you clearly don’t shop often. You had produce in your cart but you have to go through the deli and imported cheese to get to produce, so you are going through the store backwards. You are truly inefficient.
I know bleu cheese is “stinky” and that “gu-y-ee-r” is unheard of in the parts of Georgia you hail from but that jarlsberg is supposed to be DELISH because they mentioned it in The Devil Wears Prada. Don’t forget to hit up the wine section, because god knows the only way your husband can imagine ever having sex with you anymore is when he’s drunk because all you wear is sweatpants in public.
So when you are done interrupting my day at the imported cheese section, go block the asiles while deciding which soup to bring for lunch because after all there are 5 days in a work week which means there are 5 opportunities to bring 5 different types of soup. Mind. Blown.
I hope your shopping experience was truly pleasurable.