I have had several brushes with death in my house being that I spend most of my time home alone, so I got to thinking, what would happen if i died? There would be a period of grief followed by a period of celebration of the new-found freedom that Jared will have but then what? So I have created a guide for doting husband in the event of my passing.
My darling Jared, if you are reading this, it is because I have inevitably met my demise. It was probably getting the pasta dryer down from over the cabinets and I lost my balance on the step ladder the landlord left us and i hit my head on the island and bled to death on the kitchen floor. I could have waited for you to come home but then we would have eaten dinner at midnight and you know how I feel about that.
So I have taken the liberty of putting together a brief guide for you after you have put your life back together. Well, you dont have to worry about being woken up my Little Debbie wrappers anymore. I just want to be clear, your new lady friend is a guest in my house.
A few notes I just want to touch on:
- Maggie has won the battle but I have won the war
- Go get my clothes from the garage and put them back in the closet
- Ramen is not a meal
- Do not put a fountain in the front yard unless you join the mob
- Just because you take a shower in the shower doesn’t mean it is clean
- Continue recording Sister Wives and Project Runway
- It is not up to the dogs to take care of the wild animals in the yard, that’s your job
- Do not let your new wife in my kitchen
- If the fridge smells you are going to have to clean it, the fridge will win
- Do not ever cook Rice-A-Roni
- Water my trees, even if you think its going to rain, water them
- Stop putting things in the garage, nothing good will come of that
- Don’t bother renewing my gym membership
- If you notice your date sneaking a bottle of water into a movie theater you need to demand her plan for when she gets caught
- The mop is in the garage
- You have my permission to slap your new lady if she ever talks about me