An open letter to Carly Rae Jepsen

Dear Carly,

Let’s start at the top.  Why are you throwing wishes in wells?  Why aren’t you throwing them into the sky like Disney told you to do? Don’t you know that girls like you often fall down wells and are never heard from again? Stay away from wells Carly. You also sold your soul for a wish? In a well? That didn’t seem to go so well.

You seem to have some confusion, but that’s ok, you’re 15? 16? At least you’re not experimenting with cocaine and the token lesbien at your High School. So he’s in your way, then you ask him where he’s going? Young lady, this is not a way to get a boyfriend.

Oh, so you’re kind of easy.

So you told him to get out of your way, then you chased him, then you gave him your number, then he didn’t call you?  Is that right? And then you wrote a song about it. Do you know Taylor Swift?

Pro Tip: If he doesn’t call right away, he is a) busy b) busy c) busy d) not into you.  You should not a) cut b) cry c) eat pills d) write a song. When he does call, do not tell him you missed him.

So Carly, its clear you need some help but psychologically and musically. I am not here for you.




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