Things I Would Rather Do Than Eat Earth Fare Fresh Mozzarella

  • Have extensive dental work
  • Have any kind of surgery that is not done laparoscopically
  • Receive a subway gift card in any denomination
  • Drive a US made vehicle
  • Get operable cancer
  • Drive a vehicle with cloth interior
  • Take all 3 dogs to the vet at one time
  • Go to karaoke with my husband sober
  • Get my hair cut by the ‘pregnant or fat’ girl
  • Drink unfiltered water
  • Drink Folgers coffee
  • Drink Pepsi for an extended period of time
  • Eat fish
  • Drive a used vehicle
  • Buy produce at WalMart
  • Eat raw fish
  • Get pulled over for not using my blinker
  • Get MRSA
  • Go to the DMV at lunch time
  • Go to the bank on a Friday
  • Go to Target on Black Friday
  • Stay up past 11pm
  • Mow my own lawn
  • Have to pee on an airplane
  • Go Caroling
  • Solicit anything from anyone door to door
  • Stand on the side of the road holding a sign
  • Take an art class
  • Go to therapy
  • Talk about gun control
  • Talk about religion
  • Be encouraged to sing at church
  • Be tickled
  • Listen to children scream
  • Listen to children whine
  • Have children talk to me
  • Have children wave to me
  • Have parents tell me to wave to their children
  • Have parents tell their children to wave to me
  • Be lectured at Earth Fare about how cruel I am for wanting to eat Veal.  Again.
  • Shop at BiLo
  • Buy meat at WalMart

The Weenie’s Views on Government Subsidized Mental Healthcare

There has been a horrible tragedy in our country this week in Connecticut. It has brought the issue of mental healthcare and gun control to the surface.

I didn’t grow up with guns, I’ve never seen a gun, I’ve never held a gun, I’ve never shot a gun. They are not part of my culture or my life and they will continue to be to be on the peripheral edge for the remaining days of my life.

One thing that does impact me is mental health and healthcare pertaining to mental health.  There was a time where I wasn’t stable and I could not afford care so I simply did not have it. I lived in a part of the country where there were no psychiatrists in the area so I relied on a general practitioner to prescribe medications that made my condition worse.

What everyone seems to be calling for is a centralized mental health plan, a way for people, like Adam Lanza, to seek help for whatever condition he or she may have.  I would also like to say, that at the time of this blog post, Lanza has not been ruled as mentally unstable.  I am not saying that I support what he did, or that he was of sound mind, all I am saying is that there is no evidence that he was mentally unstable yet, so before you spam my comments, take a deep breath and think of something intelligent to say because you are not going to like my response.

So what’s the answer?  A mental health rider on all individual healthcare plans?  Wouldn’t that have been nice when I was self employed paying out of pocket for all my meds and doctor visits.  But lets remember this: many mental health physicians and practitioners don’t take insurance. 

What about a government subsidized plan?  Sure, how about that?  So that you have to be…unemployed?  or so you can game the system and get access to benzos and other potentially addictive medications? Or is it like Obamacare and it will take years to be passed?

What about medication? I have a medication that is $630 a month. Every month it is $630. And thats just one. What about another one that is $400 a month.  So that’s $1,030/month. What about the others?  Is there a prescription plan with this government subsidized plan that everyone seems to be so wild about?  Come on Facebook, whats you plan?

How do we make people go to the doctor?  So we have this plan in place, hooray for all of you democrats and making a difference.  Now you can sleep better at night.  You have successfully raised taxes and made yourself feel better about “keeping your kids safer”.  So now what?  Do we just, en masse, scoop people into the back of a van and cart them into the hospital to be interrogated and see if they have any mental instabilities? no.  no you fucking idiots.  they have to go in on their own.  and here’s a fact, most people, who are sick, like sick enough to take out an entire class of kindergartners, aren’t thinking to themselves “geez, i’m a little down today, I sure wish there was an affordable healthcare plan that I could use to go get on some Lexapro so I wouldn’t fantasize about killing kids all day”.

You are all idealists.  People who kill other people cannot be stopped by putting a plan like this in place.  They do not show signs of becoming serial killers because if they did, they would be stopped and evaluated.  So if you see your kid lighting your cat on fire, take him in, he will probably kill you when he’s in his 20’s.

I’m all for progress and if a plan like this helps post-pardum moms get on something so she doesn’t smother her infant, or a college student who is struggling in school get on some anti-depressants, then hoo-fucking-ray, but screaming that a centralized mental healthcare system will stop mass shootings is completely ludicrous.



Top 5 Reasons Not to Drink Wine on Percocet

In light of my recent medical…bullshit, I have been prescribed percocet. Now, if you all remember, I used to love Percocet. And Vicodin. And Darvocet. And Percodan. I digress.

One thing I never did was drink on narcotics. You may recall some fan favorites where I did an in depth analysis of Xanax or a little poem I wrote about Ambien.  But I never drank on narcotics and you shouldn’t either and here’s a list of reasons why:

  1. You’re not Whitney Houston.  You do not have a singing career to fall back on when you get over this whole “I want to get fucked up on Percocet and Vodka” thing.
  2. You have a pancreas. Do you know what your pancreas does? It helps regulate the insulin in your body.  Do you know what alcohol is?  Thats right dumbass, its sugar. So what do you think happens when you have a bum pancreas from drinking too much and a stomach full of pain killers?  They react and you get very sick.
  3. You have a liver, your liver is like a wasteland for all the shit your body doesn’t know what to do with, so all that Tylenol you took when you were 16 when you were trying to “kill yourself” (yes, you fit this demographic, does that hit a little too close to home for you, reader?) wound up in your liver and it damaged it.  All those nights you wanted to get “SUUUUUPER FUUUUUCKED UUUPPP” on washington apple shots and Bud Light? Yep, that messed up your liver too.  And now, here you are, in your 20’s, googling if you should drink on Vicodin and the answer is no, because it will fuck up your liver.
  4. You should choose how you want to die. And do you really want to die from heart failure or choking on your own vomit?  Come on, go out a little more dramatically.
  5. You should savor your high. Why would you want to waste a kick ass high on being drunk? A narcotics high makes you super productive, go wash your car or mow your lawn.  Stop fucking around on the internet and do something with your life.
    Oh what the hell, heres #6!
  6. What were you prescribed pain killers for?  If you weren’t actually prescribed them then you’re a fucking idiot and you deserve to be in pain one day and not have access to narcotics.

So there you go, 6 reasons why you should not drink on narcotics.