Missed connection: My paycheck

***Some context: I worked at an ad agency in 2009 that was going under.  They often missed payroll and we would go weeks without being paid.  It was awful.  So one day I wrote a missed connection for my paycheck and put it on craigslist.  It was promptly flagged and taken down.

I missed you last week. I look forward to you being deposited into my account on the first and fifteenth of every month. What happened?I know I called you small and insignificant, but you are significant. You mean something to me. The truth is, I could find another one of you somewhere else, bigger, more caring, but I can’t just leave you. But you left me.Sure, “next week,” but I need you now, paycheck.When I applied for this job, I thought it was a reputable company, as it turns out, I am in an abusive relationship with [redacted].

If you come back, I promise not to complain or make fun of your size ever again. Let’s go shopping like the old days. Me, my bank account, the electric company, and my landlord all miss you.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

BOCL: c. 2009

***I was dating my husband at the time when I wrote this.  He was in CHS and I was in HHI. Clearly I did not find a new suitor on Craigslist because we (Jared and I) got married. I did get called a bitch a lot for this, however.

Full Time Position (hilton head island)

compensation: my affection
I am currently seeking a full time boyfriend.My current boyfriend lives about 2 hours away and we can only be together on the weekends so after careful consideration, I have elected to lay him off.I am going to need somebody available 2-3 nights a week, and maybe a saturday or sunday afternoon.I am of normal size, so no heavy lifting will be require although you may be required to move some of my shit from time to time.  Any other heft I may have is emotional.

I enjoy eating a great deal, some of my previous boyfriends were afraid to eat in public, so you will be required to pass an eating test.

The minimum requirements are as follows:

-Bug Killing (even roaches and spiders)
-Beer Drinking (but still drive my drunk ass home)
-Full Time Employment
-Your own friends
-A vehicle manufactured in this decade
-A regular Hygiene schedule
-Ability to pass a drug test for “hard” drugs (i.e. meth and heroin. Cocaine is negotiable if you have a decent dealer)
-Clean cheating record
-Ownership of a pet is a plus
-Strong stomach for Lifetime Movie Network
-You must possess furniture that you have purchased post post-secondary (No Futons)
-Ability to operate a dishwasher
-Creativity (in the bedroom and out) is important but not a total deal breaker
-No children or ex-wives
-Must own at least one tie

Please include a photo from the waist up, with a list of 3 references including past girlfriends

  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers

BOCL: 8/16/08

***This actually made Best of Craigslist. I got a lot of response from dudes who look at classifieds on Craigslist looking to “take me out,” and “treat me right.” Also, pretty much everything that is in this ad has happened.

I am just going to come out and detail exactly what I am looking for in a mate.

I am looking for somebody who is unemployed with no prospects in sight. I am going to need somebody who is codependent upon me after a short amount of time, usually around 2-3 weeks at most. Being in a band is a plus.

I am going to need somebody who ignores me and will not introduce me to their friends as it has been proven that this is unnecessary and will only allow you to control me even further.

I really look forward to meeting somebody who will break in my new couch for me while i am at work, passed out urination on said couch is great.

Please take advantage of me at any turn and tell me outrageous lies about the time you were a marine sniper in Cambodia for 9 months. This will impress me with how tough you are and hopefully get me into bed that much sooner.

It would be best if you did not have a car, but instead insist on driving mine everywhere, particularly after you have cleaned my refrigerator out as well as my liquor cabinet, extra points if you don’t have a driver’s license.

Any kind of unkempt facial hair, such as a “soul patch” is also something that will get you places with me. Additionally, owning an iron is not ideal and i would rather your appearance was sloppy and if at all possible, your clothing was visibly soiled.

I would also appreciate if you repeatedly cheated on me, even better if it would be with my friends while i am out of town. When i confront you about your indiscretions, please be sure to not only lie to me, but to blow the conversation out of proportion and blame me for it.

As for sex, please be demanding and bad at it. My orgasms are entirely unnecessary and it would be best if you could focus solely on yours.

Also, if you have children from a previous endeavor, I would like it very much if you would pawn them off on me while you spend you’re evenings playing grab ass with your friends. are you a deadbeat dad? Bonus!

Please be sure to stick me with the tab at all times. I wouldn’t think of letting you pay and it is important to me to be able to be your doormat both financially, emotionally and physically.

I would love it if you could be passive-aggressive and take your insecurities out on me as well as my family members. I love feeling awkward because you cannot deal with your own personal failures.

Also, i am going to need to be with somebody who by their mid-twenties still asks their parents for money and will please, exaggeration of your previous lifestyle is a must. Anything to try and impress me.

As for emotion, i would love if you could cry on a weekly basis when you are drunk because your life is not what you had hoped. Additionally, i would appreciate very much if you could slap me around once and awhile to “toughen me up”.

To conclude, if you feel that you can meet these requirements, and can bring yourself to roll off your friends or current girlfriends couch, drop me a line, maybe I can buy you dinner.

Looking for some summer help

***I wrote this on spring break in 2014.  It was on Craigslist for one hour, and six minutes. I posted it in Charleston, had I posted it in Hilton Head, it would have stayed on longer.

Keep an open mind (Undisclosed)

compensation: CASH!

contract job part-time

There has been an incident and I need help moving something that weighs about 150 pounds. You may need gloves, depending on how squeamish you are.My husband absolutely cannot find out.If you have a car, that is great, the bigger the trunk the better. My car is a lease and I really don’t want fluids in it. I think Volkswagen would be upset and it would hurt my chances of getting another lease.There may be jobs like this in the future, we are working that out now. As for employment going forward, lets make sure you don’t wimp out like a little kid. I would prefer a male, but females are cool too. Please be 18 or older with a high school diploma. This job would be great for a college student who isn’t afraid of getting their hands a little dirty. If you are in school, please no poli sci majors, I just can’t handle the opinions.

Discretion is an absolute must.

Things to bring on your first day:

Duct tape
Blue tarps, old sheets will work too. Plan on not getting these things back.
Clothes you don’t mind burning
Some good old fashioned elbow grease
A good attitude!

I am super fun to work with, we will probably just laugh all day! So, you pumped? How to apply:

Send me an email to the CL email address listed above
List the following: Height, weight, how often you clip your nails, if you lift, your education history, and your immediate family members current employment with phone numbers and addresses (home and work)

I am hoping for a good turn out for this ad. Keeping an open mind is good, also, not a lot of questions.

Once I have hired you, we start immediately. Your hours are not your typical 9-5, it will be more like 12am-2am. It would be great if you knew your way around north of downtown, thats really where we will be at.

I pay in cash and I will reimburse you for gas.

  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers

https://post.craigslist.org/manage/4359778447/n3595

An ode to group projects at the College of Charleston

Oh, Charlotte, is that even your name?
I cannot handle this game
that you are playing with my grade
If only you were being paid
To be in my group
You’d be fired

A shout out
To my other group mates
Not to pout, y’all
This was designed by fate
Do y’all have email?
Or am I the only one?

What in the fuck
Do you do all day?
I do not give a fuck
Do as you may
But when I send an email
I expect you to respond

I literally just learned your name(s)
You sounded really lame
Do you know what Google Docs are?
I know…It’s like really far
Why can you not be a team player?
You would be benched

Now, here we are
The date is upon us
We present tomorrow, arg!
We have been on the cusp
Of total disaster
Because of your shit

I swear to God
If I get below a B
I will find a rod
And hit you in the knee
Just like Tonya Harding
I will see you in the morning

Missed Connection: My Comfort Zone

***I posted this in Charleston on 4/21.  It’s the end of the semester.  That’s all I have to say about that. 
You and I got along great. You understood me, like a well worn hoodie. I hated leaving you, and I thought I wouldn’t have to. Having to give presentations in front of large classrooms is hard, my dear.Do you miss me?You told me that I live on “an island,” and that “nobody could touch me.” I understand, and I thought you understood too. Come back to me, Comfort Zone.

I don’t like trying new things, as you know, but ever since you left me when I went back to school, I have been a neurotic mess. Did you know that I have to take Xanax now? That’s you. That’s you all day long, Comfort Zone.

Remember the good days? Just you and me, hanging out, in our underwear, playing video games at 2:00 during a week day. That’s what I miss.

What really upsets me is that not only did you leave me, you took my Dignity with you. I haven’t matched my clothing since you left. I go to the grocery store in slippers now. And when I am there, the only thing I buy is cereal. I am trying to woo you back.

DO NOT tell me that I need to “broaden my horizons,” my horizons were just fine, thanks.

Come back to me, Comfort Zone. Bring your pal Dignity with you. Also, if you can find Adulthood, that would be great too.

I would like to say that this wasn’t my fault. No, no, it wasn’t yours or Dignity’s fault either. You want to blame my husband? Sure. He’s not here to defend himself. Why not?

  • it’s ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

http://charleston.craigslist.org/mis/4433376370.html

Walmart on Easter Sunday

My loving and dear husband went to Publix for me yesterday I think only for the reason that if there was food in the house, perhaps I would prepare it for him. My handwriting is clear, but sometimes my abbreviations are not.  So when I put “mozz” on a shopping list what I mean is “shredded mozzarella,” not “skip this item on the shopping list and we will make baked ziti without cheese.”

So I am preparing to do…something…I can’t remember.  I was looking in the refrigerator and I was like “I don’t think we have that cheese!” yeah, we didn’t.

Anyway, I end up at fucking Walmart on Easter Sunday.  I knew they wouldn’t be closed because they’re soulless. Or maybe not, maybe they want to make sure you can get your plastic crucifix on Easter Sunday (made in China).

As I break into a slight perspiration fit on the half mile walk into the building from “priority parking,” I am faced with the fact that I really only need a couple things, but I have to take a whole cart in order to get them. I know why this is, but it still makes me mangry (not quite mad, not quite angry).

I then begin to compile a list of things that look good in the store, that would not work in real life in my house.

  • An entire vat of potato salad-like substance
  • A two gallon drum of mayonnaise
  • Hot dogs in any quantity
  • Anything that says “party size”*
  •  Gatorade
  • Gatorade powder
  • More than 1 bottle of juice (includes orange)
  • A carton of 18 eggs
  • Any quantity of ladies shave gel
  • More than one bag of pre-made cookies**
  • A gallon and a half of ice cream***

*We know how to party, ok, but I don’t need that much saturated fat in my life.  What is interesting is that “fun size” is wee, but party size is enormous.  What is “sad size” or like “funeral size?”
**What is curious about this is that there are only 4 varieties of cut and bake cookies at Walmart, but an entire aisle dedicated to their pre-made counterparts
***I don’t even know how this would fit in my freezer (with the other 5 cartons of half-eaten ice cream that already exist in there)