Blurred Lines

Dear Robin Thicke,

In your song “Blurred Lines” we are still unclear as to what rhymes with, “hug me.”  So we have taken the liberty to compile a list of possible guesses:

  1. Fug me
  2. Rug me
  3. Tug me
  4. Pug me
  5. Mug me
  6. Plug me
  7. Thug me
  8. Smug me
  9. Jug me

My Husband’s ADHD

@jaredwsmith used to work together a lot.  When we moved to CHS that kind of stopped, and it really stopped when I went back to school because when I do school work I usually need to be left alone, and I find when Jared is with me and I am trying to do school work he tends to distract me.  Well this was proven true yet again yesterday at Starbucks when he was working on something and I was writing a paper.  I said to myself, sure, we can try working in the same room together again. Why not?

I have been telling Jared that he needs ADHD meds since I met him. I was formally diagnosed ADHD last year but I had been on meds for some time for it.  Now that I am on drugs for it though, I notice his….ADHD-ness more. Here is a list of observations that I had from the 60-ish minutes we spent together at Starbucks:

  • air drumming
  • forced focus and failure
  • ooo! a lady in a purple dress!
  • SHINY OUTSIDE!
  • more air drumming
  • door
  • bouncy leg
  • phone
  • phone
  • phone
  • bouncy body
  • is my phone on?
  • phone
  • air drumming
  • nodding
  • phone
  • bouncy both legs
  • window
  • door
  • *sips coffee*
  • puts cup down pensively
  • adjusts where the cup is on the table with great care
  • window
  • phone
  • OUTSIDE!
  • drums
  • drumming on the table – we put an end to that real quick
  • air keyboard – like the musical kind. yeah, that’s what I married.
  • door
  • door
  • door
  • phone
  • music
  • phone
  • nodding/”jamming out”
  • “whhhyyyyyy can I noootttt foooocuuusss????” head in hands
  • phone
  • window
  • window
  • window
  • dancing – and pointing at screen? wut?
  • air guitar

Needless to say, we did not stay at Starbucks very long because his distraction made me distracted so neither of us got anything done.

“The Crow” by Edgar Allan Poe

I’m sitting in art history this week and we are talking about Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights. If you look closely in the lower lefthand corner of the left panel, there is a bird.  It is a black bird.  My teacher called it a crow. She then makes some reference to the fact that the far right panel is dark and ominous. Then she makes a Poe reference.

“Yeah, you guys know that story by Edgar Allan Poe, ‘The Crow?'” My heart skipped a beat. I paused.  My ears perked up.  I was wondering if someone was going to correct her.

One of the senior citizens auditing the class raises his paw, “yeah, like in the story by Poe, ‘The Crow…'” I was like, “aw…naw…” the next 2-3 people to comment on this thread kept calling Poe’s poem “The Raven” “The [motherfucking] Crow.” AW! AAW! NAW NAW NAW! I couldn’t even tell you what they were saying because I was too busy trying not to explode.

If I hadn’t had to stay after to turn something in, I would have packed up and walked out of the room.

I don’t care if you don’t know Poe, or if you failed high school English or even if you don’t know that it’s a poem, not a story. I don’t care, we’re not all English majors.  But at least know the fucking species of the animal in one of the most famous things ever written.

Poe rolled over in his grave on Wednesday.

Why Michael’s is the 2nd circle of hell

I am in this art history class and for our final project we have a paper.  Which, ok, this fucking paper. She has 2 (two) single-spaced pages of instructions but uses words like “visual analysis” and “visual summary.” Nowhere does it say you need a thesis. That’s a whole other conversation and we need to write this tonight with brevity because (1) I have to pee and I’m really just too lazy to get up (2) I’m tired because that 7am nap in the Walgreen’s parking lot just didn’t get me through to all day (3) If I think about this too much my head may explode.  But yeah, the other half is a 4″ x 4″ piece of “artwork.” I want to punch her in the face them vomit all over her for this.

A list of reasons why I, and you, and anyone who has hobbies outside of making useless shit should hate Michael’s:

  • Everything is expensive as fuck
  • Everything is covered in foam
  • They sell miles of string, but no scissors
  • Beads. Just…Beads
  • How in the fuck….how many kinds of mod podge do you need to feel important
  • Glitter. Glitter is the work of the devil.
  • Fake flowers, yet none of said fake flowers say what kind of real flower they represent, so they are made-up flowers sold only at Michael’s Flower market
  • What is up with all the glass flat-sided bead….things? You put them…where?
  • Flameless candles
  • Real candles that nobody buys so they are discolored and smell like shit
  • Framing that costs at least 1,000,000,000,000x more than ANYWHERE else
  • Another note on framing, I don’t fucking know what size anything is, don’t ask me these questions, you’re wearing an apron therefore you are supposed to hold the answers to my framing questions
  • Beanie Babies at the checkout. Come on.
  • Stale candy at checkout, because we all know stay at home mommies who make headbands for their Etsy stores can’t resist some stale M&M’s

Excuse me?

I found this in my drafts. 6/15/2017.

 

I am an English major (hear me roar). If you know me, you know that I don’t like spending time on things that don’t directly relate to my goals. My goals do not include any knowledge that I would obtain in a biology sequence. I have legit shit in my life, but most of it I can get through. I came to class with a gnarly cold this semester that took my husband out of work for 2 days. My biology 102 teacher does not know this.

Let me defend myself, this class could be taught online. She sits at her desk and reads from powerpoint slides that we all get ahead of time.  And honestly, its 3:30 – 4:45 every Monday and Wednesday at the campus that is located 0.9mi from the main campus, where I park. And I have 15 minutes between classes.  And then I have to sit in traffic on the way home? *whines*

Here is a brief list of excuses that I have provided my instructor this semester to get an excused absence:

  • I peed my pants – I actually used this twice for this class, I dare you to try to trump incontinence
  • I have a headache
  • I have a migraine
  • I overslept – for a 3:30pm class
  • I am dehydrated
  • Traffic
  • My dad was having surgery
  • My mom got in a car accident
  • My husband is sick
  • My dog is sick — I have 3 dogs, and this imaginary disease is contagious
  • I forgot
  • There was a train and I was afraid that it would take too long to past, so I just went back to the main campus and went home
  • I had a wardrobe malfunction
  • I forgot my laptop at home so I had no way to take notes
  • My group member said we didn’t have class today! Weird!
  • I am having an anxiety attack
  • I threw up
  • I couldn’t find parking
  • My 2012 still-in-warranty Passat broke down…again…
  • I feel like I have a fever which means I may be contagious
  • I have a bladder infection
  • I have a UTI
  • I have cramps
  • My washer/dryer/AC broke down and I have to wait for the guy to come fix it
  • Someone is blocking my driveway and I don’t know who so I can’t get out of my garage
  • I tested positive for a pregnancy test and I didn’t think I was, so I really freaked out and I called my husband at work and he came home then I called my OB/GYN and went in…LONG STORY SHORT! I am not pregnant, but that’s why I missed class today

At midterm, I was still passing and enrolled.  I learned today that I only have to keep making excuses until 4/27, then I can stop feeling guilty about skipping class.

**Written in biology 102 4/8/15**