Why Michael’s is the 2nd circle of hell

I am in this art history class and for our final project we have a paper.  Which, ok, this fucking paper. She has 2 (two) single-spaced pages of instructions but uses words like “visual analysis” and “visual summary.” Nowhere does it say you need a thesis. That’s a whole other conversation and we need to write this tonight with brevity because (1) I have to pee and I’m really just too lazy to get up (2) I’m tired because that 7am nap in the Walgreen’s parking lot just didn’t get me through to all day (3) If I think about this too much my head may explode.  But yeah, the other half is a 4″ x 4″ piece of “artwork.” I want to punch her in the face them vomit all over her for this.

A list of reasons why I, and you, and anyone who has hobbies outside of making useless shit should hate Michael’s:

  • Everything is expensive as fuck
  • Everything is covered in foam
  • They sell miles of string, but no scissors
  • Beads. Just…Beads
  • How in the fuck….how many kinds of mod podge do you need to feel important
  • Glitter. Glitter is the work of the devil.
  • Fake flowers, yet none of said fake flowers say what kind of real flower they represent, so they are made-up flowers sold only at Michael’s Flower market
  • What is up with all the glass flat-sided bead….things? You put them…where?
  • Flameless candles
  • Real candles that nobody buys so they are discolored and smell like shit
  • Framing that costs at least 1,000,000,000,000x more than ANYWHERE else
  • Another note on framing, I don’t fucking know what size anything is, don’t ask me these questions, you’re wearing an apron therefore you are supposed to hold the answers to my framing questions
  • Beanie Babies at the checkout. Come on.
  • Stale candy at checkout, because we all know stay at home mommies who make headbands for their Etsy stores can’t resist some stale M&M’s

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