The Punishment

Just define words you know Stephanie. Quit kicking the counter. I know what dad said, but what I’m telling you is to look up words you already know to define. I know this is stupid, but it was stupid of you to use the word “damn” where he could hear you. Yes, all summer. You have to write neater than that. Ok, I’ll get you a clean sheet. Lines? Let me see what I have. Here, use this. Oh yeah, pencil. Do you think he’s actually going to check this, Steph? I said quit kicking the counter. Just pick a letter. Stephanie, any letter. This doesn’t matter. I have stuff to do today, I can’t spend all day on your punishment. Ok, lets flip to F. No, you cannot define the word “fuck,” stop it. I really do have stuff to do today. Fine, do it yourself. I’ll be back in 30 minutes. You’re still not done? What the hell have you been doing? You have one definition written? Yes, sometimes letters are upside down, you don’t have to write that part. You know what? Just make up the definitions. He’s going to be home soon and he’s going to want to look at this. I don’t want to hear it from him. Not only is this your punishment, it’s mine too. P, ok. No, you cannot define “penis,” quit laughing, this is serious. You have to do this every single day this summer. Yes, he’s a jerk. Stop crying. How about I pick words and read you the definitions and you write them down? Ok, get your pencil. How about, “say?” Yes, it’s a small word, who cares? No you don’t have to go A-Z. I know he said that, but I’m saying you don’t have to. Just write down what I say. We are going to define the word “play” because that’s what you want to do right now. Ok, write this down, “engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.” How about the word “golf” because that’s what dad is doing right now. Shit, that’s the garage door. He’s going to make you sit here all day. You should get a thesaurus and define all the synonyms for the word “damn,” that’s what got you here in the first place. A synonym is a word — hey, just finishing up. Yep it will be done when you are done with the shower. Now you’re stuck doing yardwork with him all day. Dammit.

Panel Interview at Benefit City

Hey Mike! Thanks for coming. I know our interview process is just really crazy. This will be the interview where we decide if you’re a good fit. Going from left to right you will see Zack, Mike G., Brad, Zach, Owen, and then myself, Mike M but as you may have noticed the guys just all call me Mikey.

Your last interview, you said your favorite beer is Pabst Blue Ribbon, solid choice. We usually let the new guy choose what’s on tap in the lounge. Since most of the guys we have working here also like PBR, that really worked in favor for you during that interview process. We really feel like you fit well in our culture. Come everyone, let’s walk. You said you were in what fraternity again in college? We have a lot of Kappas here at Benefit City so you may recognize some faces. Watch out for the flying helicopters in the hallways. Oh yeah, the foosball table was donated by Google we try really hard not to let the fact that Larry Page himself assembled it go to our heads.

Women? Yeah no, we don’t hire those. It’s not sexist, our HR team did a study and it proved that women are inferior and we’re the best so we can’t have any team members with uncontrollable bleeding every single month or an individual who could be out for periods of time due to a parasite. Bitches, who needs ‘em?

So you got a computer science degree from an uppity overpriced school in in the southeast? Cool man. We hire most of that school’s CS degree students right when they graduate and then we pay them a butt ton of money to sit in meetings all day.  What do we make? I really don’t know but somehow venture capitalists want to give us money. But it’s cool. Most of the guys on the team where you will be placed are making over $100,000 a year to respond to email and fix typos on websites. Are you still interested? Great! Let’s keep walking!

The reason we haven’t already offered you the position is because we have one final interview. We have these things called Healthy Points here at Benefit City. You can track them on your Apple Watch. You get points by doing physical activity, like running.  Oh this? This is just a storeroom. We call this a trust exercise, come on in. We are going to strip you naked, tape your mouth and put your head in a garbage bag. This is actually how you will meet our CTO.

I know it’s cold, just follow sound of my voice. We are going to round up the rest of the teams and we’re going to put on our sacrificial hoods now. I’ll take the bag off so you can see. Do you see what you have to look forward to?! We’re going to an open soccer field surrounded by woods. Our goal is for you to get away from us, if you do, you win and get the job. If you lose it means that you have been injured and you will be left to bleed out on the field. The one who killed you gets a new BMW.

On my count…1…2…GO!