An ode to group projects at the College of Charleston

Oh, Charlotte, is that even your name?
I cannot handle this game
that you are playing with my grade
If only you were being paid
To be in my group
You’d be fired

A shout out
To my other group mates
Not to pout, y’all
This was designed by fate
Do y’all have email?
Or am I the only one?

What in the fuck
Do you do all day?
I do not give a fuck
Do as you may
But when I send an email
I expect you to respond

I literally just learned your name(s)
You sounded really lame
Do you know what Google Docs are?
I know…It’s like really far
Why can you not be a team player?
You would be benched

Now, here we are
The date is upon us
We present tomorrow, arg!
We have been on the cusp
Of total disaster
Because of your shit

I swear to God
If I get below a B
I will find a rod
And hit you in the knee
Just like Tonya Harding
I will see you in the morning

Why is my dog barking?

  • He thinks the Taliban is in the front yard
  • The geese (who we have established a close and friendly relationship with) are in the front yard
  • He wants someone to play with him
  • Nobody will play with him
  • He wants dinner
  • He wants lunch
  • He wants breakfast
  • He wants a treat
  • He wants to go outside and chase lizards
  • He is about to pee on the floor
  • He is tired
  • He lost his ball
  • The beagle is ignoring him
  • There is someone on the sidewalk
  • There is the man with the wagon
  • The man with the wagons kids are talking
  • The man with the wagons kids are singing
  • Teri (The one woman who waited for me to get out of my car, which incidentally I was avoiding her so I was hiding in my car, pretending to have a very animated phone call with myself.  She wanted to tell me her name and tell me she liked the people who lived here before better) is on her twice-daily dog walk with whatever she said her dogs name was
  • The neighbor across the street is having his lawn landscaped
  • The neighbor next door is having her twice-weekly landscapers pay her a visit
  • Someone parked on the street (I bark about this too)
  • There is a bird on the fence
  • There are two birds on the fence
  • There is a bird at the empty bird feeder on the side of the house (We keep it empty to discourage them from living.  I mean eating. I mean eating at our house.)
  • Someone within a 25 mile radius has honked their horn
  • Someone in the gaudy Clemson house has taken their golf cart past our house
  • The house who does CrossFit in their driveway closed their car door too loudly.  (I actually think these people live in their garage.  They never go inside.)
  • The man with the truck that affirms he has a small penis has started his truck
  • The man with the truck that affirms he has a small penis has driven past my house
  • The man with the truck that affirms he has a small penis is at the stop sign at the end of the street
  • The kid who drives a 1998 Chevy Lumina has pulled into the neighbor who barely waves at us driveway and is turning around so that he may park (ILLEGALLY) on the street
  • Someone is weed whacking (which is every day.  See, in my neighborhood there is an award to who has the nicest lawn every month. they get a sign in their yard.  We have never won this award.)
  • The boys who have no manners and have probably been kicked out of their own house are throwing a football to each other in front of my house
  • UPS is here
  • FedEx is here
  • UPS drove by
  • FedEx drove by
  • He thought someone drove by
  • The mail lady is here
  • The mail lady is dropping off a package
  • The mail lady is dropping off a certified letter (which I have to trick the dog and go out through the garage in order for him to contain himself re: her arrival)
  • He thinks he gets to go in the car
  • He is mad he doesn’t get to go in the car
  • He is mad he has to get out of the car
  • He is mad at me for not letting him play in the clean laundry
  • He is mad because i wont let him sit in the dirty laundry basket
  • He is hanging out in the bathroom and he’s not supposed to be
  • He thought he saw something
  • He thought he heard something
  • Someone set off their car alarm
  • The train
  • If I roll over in bed and I don’t take him with me
  • If I make the bed and he is still in it
  • If I yell at him for peeing on the floor
  • Someone goes by on a bike
  • Someone goes by on a scooter
  • Someone goes by on rollerblades (which I don’t think he is necessarily mad, I think he is laughing at them)
  • I have to go get the mail and he’s not allowed to come with
  • I am not paying attention to him
  • Nobody is paying attention to him
  • His ball is stuck behind a piece of furniture that requires that we move said furniture to retrieve it
  • You ask him to wear a jacket when it is 20 degrees outside
  • It’s raining
  • You are not preparing his food fast enough
  • There is no cheese on his food
  • There is not enough cheese on his food
  • You’re eating and he is not
  • You have cheese and he does not
  • He just wants to hear his own voice
  • He is feeling creative and he wants to express himself in song
  • His blanket is not folded
  • His other blanket got caught between the cushions on the couch
  • He lost one of his two octopi
  • He lost his stuffed dog and he doesn’t remember where it went
  • He wants to stand on the table
  • He wants to stand on my desk
  • He wants to stand on my husbands desk
  • One of the other dogs is sleeping were he wants to be sleeping
  • You don’t permit him from sleeping on top of your pillow behind your head
  • His toy is somewhere he is afraid to go, like under the bed
  • Someone other than Teri is walking by with a dog other than Teri’s dog
  • You sneak up on him and scare him
  • You take off his collar for a bath and don’t immediately put it back on
  • Someone else is sitting on my lap
  • My husband is mowing the lawn
  • He is in the same room as the vacuum
  • You sing to him too loudly
  • He gets locked in a room by himself
  • He gets lock out of a room he wants to be in
  • The cable company has come to lower our property values with a random orange cord in the gutter coming from the green thing in my front yard
  • He thinks someone is trying to steal our cable
  • You call him a cat

@scoccaro does sci-fi.

You don’t make any sense
Talking animals are weird
Oh, sci-fi, go away

Children love you lots
You are currently in vogue
So do sad mommies

I’ve been assigned
Reading this book with a bear
Shoulda dropped the class

Sigh, this fucking book
Found in the children’s section
Doesn’t even make any sense

It has a chart, guys
Brand new vocabulary?
Sure thing, sounds super swell

“Have fun in class”

I hate this saying, or rather; I would call it a phrase.  It’s not even a saying.  Its like saying “lunch was good” is a saying.  “Have fun in class” will never be a saying because it’s fucking stupid. It will never be allowed to have the moniker of a saying because it needs to be banished.

They say it because they have nothing else to add to the conversation.  They could say “cool” and it would have the same impact. It’s kind of like me texting someone and being like “Hey, my dog died” and they could be like “cool”, and it would have the same affect as “have fun in class.”  Its stupid and pointless and adds nothing to my day other than you acknowledging that I have to go to class at that specific moment.  If I tell you that I have to go to class thus why I am leaving our conversation you could say something constructive like “learn something”, still a waste of air, but at least more constructive.  Or, you could say nothing at all. example: “Hey, that sounds good, I have to go to class now, so I will talk to you after”.  and then you say “…” Nothing.  Nothing at all.  That would be an appropriate response to me telling you that I have to go.

Other phrases that are not acceptable when a conversation is ending: “LOL”, “Ok”, “Sounds Good”, “:)”.

Who says it?  People who are not in school, or even, not in your class.  Not once have I ever said to a fellow classmate after a rousing 50-minute power point enhanced lecture “was that good for you?” never.  Because it’s stupid. People who tell me to have fun in class have never taken an 8:00 in the morning survey of the anatomy of the brain by, quite possibly, the driest man alive.  I can guarantee it.  He told maybe one not-material-based joke the entire semester, and even then it was kind of about it. All I want at 8am is to not have pants on.  In no way, is that fun. So you know what, all of you, fuck you.

Maybe because in a 9am class about defining what exactly it means to study English at a university level, I’m not drunk.  Nor am I in the process of getting drunk.  Maybe I should put some vodka in my $4 vitamin water. Perhaps then, and only then, will the phrase “have fun in class” ring true.

 

@caviarandbanana

19 year old coed: “What does guava taste like?” (inquiring about a juice)

me: “i dont know, sweet maybe…”

19 year old: “do you think I would like it?”

me: “i dont know? you should try it out and see if you do”

19 year old: “im going to go ask someone who works here”

10 minutes

19 year old: “ok, im getting the guava”

me: “good choice”