The Imported Cheese Section at Publix

An open letter to the cunt at the imported cheese cooler at the Main Road Public at 5:00pm today:

I know its super fun to go grocery shopping with your “hubby” on a Saturday afternoon.  I am sure you spent today watching football and “OMG SPENT ALL DAY CLEANING” and updating your Facebook profile with pictures of your 18 month old.

I know, shopping is SUCH A CHORE! But you know what, you self-centered piece of white trash, I kind of enjoy it.

Judging by what you had in your cart, you clearly don’t shop often. You had produce in your cart but you have to go through the deli and imported cheese to get to produce, so you are going through the store backwards. You are truly inefficient.

I know bleu cheese is “stinky” and that “gu-y-ee-r” is unheard of in the parts of Georgia you hail from but that jarlsberg is supposed to be DELISH because they mentioned it in The Devil Wears Prada. Don’t forget to hit up the wine section, because god knows the only way your husband can imagine ever having sex with you anymore is when he’s drunk because all you wear is sweatpants in public.

So when you are done interrupting my day at the imported cheese section, go block the asiles while deciding which soup to bring for lunch because after all there are 5 days in a work week which means there are 5 opportunities to bring 5 different types of soup. Mind. Blown.

I hope your shopping experience was truly pleasurable.

Love,

Publix Patrons

 

Meyer Lemon Bars!

These are like little Lemon Meringue pies. They are a little time consuming but well worth it. You will need a stand mixer for this recipe.

Crust:

  • 1 stick of unsalted butter — since butter is almost $5/lb for name brand, i use salted…
  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla — or if you’re like me and always forget that vanilla doesnt come in a squirty container you end up with one tablespoon…
  • 1 tablespoon lemon peel — i just zested 1 large lemon
  • 1 cup flour, sifted
  • pinch of salt – i didnt use salt because i used salted butter

To make the crust:

  1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Line an 8-inch square pan with foil. Mix butter, sugar, vanilla, and lemon peel in the bowl of an electric stand mixer. Add flour and salt; beat until blended (about 2 minutes).
  2. Press dough into the bottom of the prepared pan; bake 20-30 minutes or until golden. Remove crust to cool ; reduce oven temp to 300 degrees.

Let me tell you something. I am not a patient person. That crust probably didn’t cool as long as it should have. It’s fine. I’m over it.

Now that you have your crust in the oven, lets make some the filling.

Filling:

  • 1/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
  • 2 eggs + 1 egg yoke — or 2 eggs, 1 egg yoke and part of an egg white because you read the recipe wrong 🙂
  • 1/3 cup freshly squeeze meyer lemon juice — run this through a strainer. Seeds in your bars make you look bad.
  • 2 tablespoons lemon peel — or not. i forgot it. it’s fine.
To make the filling:
  1. In a large bowl, mix together flour and sugar (its like not even a cup of stuff, use a normal sized bowl…). Whisk together eggs, yoke, lemon juice and peel in bowl of electric stand mixer; add flour mixture.  Mix until well blended. Pour over baked crust and return to 300 degree oven for 15-20 minutes.

This doesn’t seem like a lot of filling.  It barely covers that crust. It’s ok, you will cover it up.

Meringue
If you’ve never made before meringue, just go slow. It’s pretty cool when it actually works.
  • 2/3 cup egg whites (about 5 eggs — I used 6 and had a lot of meringue)
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
To make meringue:
  1. When the bars have cooled, you can make this. Preheat broiler. Combine egg whites and sugar in a large mixing bowl. Set bowl in a pan with simmering water. Sit egg mixture gently 1 minute until sugar has dissolved. When mixture is warm, remove bowl from water, add cream of tartar and salt.
  2. Beat mixture at high speed until whites stand in peaks (it took about 10 minutes or so with my mixer on 10). Gently spread or mound meringue mixture over lemon bars. Place bars under broiler and broil 1-2 minutes or until peaks are slightly brown. Cool and serve. Or just eat out of the pan like we do.
Mine got a little overdone but I am sure they are fine.  I wasn’t watching as closely as i should have been.

 

So hey, look, it’s some recipes

So I like to bake and apparently everyone else who works from home does this so I wanted to fit in.

My goals in baking are as follows:

  • dirty up as many dishes as possible
  • make something so sweet @jaredwsmith kills a whole gallon of milk eating
  • It has to fit on my cake plate I am too lazy to put away, so it sits on my counter

I have decided to start publicly humiliating myself and my baking skills on my blog so that you too can bake with as little skill and as much valor as I do.