The Punishment

Just define words you know Stephanie. Quit kicking the counter. I know what dad said, but what I’m telling you is to look up words you already know to define. I know this is stupid, but it was stupid of you to use the word “damn” where he could hear you. Yes, all summer. You have to write neater than that. Ok, I’ll get you a clean sheet. Lines? Let me see what I have. Here, use this. Oh yeah, pencil. Do you think he’s actually going to check this, Steph? I said quit kicking the counter. Just pick a letter. Stephanie, any letter. This doesn’t matter. I have stuff to do today, I can’t spend all day on your punishment. Ok, lets flip to F. No, you cannot define the word “fuck,” stop it. I really do have stuff to do today. Fine, do it yourself. I’ll be back in 30 minutes. You’re still not done? What the hell have you been doing? You have one definition written? Yes, sometimes letters are upside down, you don’t have to write that part. You know what? Just make up the definitions. He’s going to be home soon and he’s going to want to look at this. I don’t want to hear it from him. Not only is this your punishment, it’s mine too. P, ok. No, you cannot define “penis,” quit laughing, this is serious. You have to do this every single day this summer. Yes, he’s a jerk. Stop crying. How about I pick words and read you the definitions and you write them down? Ok, get your pencil. How about, “say?” Yes, it’s a small word, who cares? No you don’t have to go A-Z. I know he said that, but I’m saying you don’t have to. Just write down what I say. We are going to define the word “play” because that’s what you want to do right now. Ok, write this down, “engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.” How about the word “golf” because that’s what dad is doing right now. Shit, that’s the garage door. He’s going to make you sit here all day. You should get a thesaurus and define all the synonyms for the word “damn,” that’s what got you here in the first place. A synonym is a word — hey, just finishing up. Yep it will be done when you are done with the shower. Now you’re stuck doing yardwork with him all day. Dammit.

Panel Interview at Benefit City

Hey Mike! Thanks for coming. I know our interview process is just really crazy. This will be the interview where we decide if you’re a good fit. Going from left to right you will see Zack, Mike G., Brad, Zach, Owen, and then myself, Mike M but as you may have noticed the guys just all call me Mikey.

Your last interview, you said your favorite beer is Pabst Blue Ribbon, solid choice. We usually let the new guy choose what’s on tap in the lounge. Since most of the guys we have working here also like PBR, that really worked in favor for you during that interview process. We really feel like you fit well in our culture. Come everyone, let’s walk. You said you were in what fraternity again in college? We have a lot of Kappas here at Benefit City so you may recognize some faces. Watch out for the flying helicopters in the hallways. Oh yeah, the foosball table was donated by Google we try really hard not to let the fact that Larry Page himself assembled it go to our heads.

Women? Yeah no, we don’t hire those. It’s not sexist, our HR team did a study and it proved that women are inferior and we’re the best so we can’t have any team members with uncontrollable bleeding every single month or an individual who could be out for periods of time due to a parasite. Bitches, who needs ‘em?

So you got a computer science degree from an uppity overpriced school in in the southeast? Cool man. We hire most of that school’s CS degree students right when they graduate and then we pay them a butt ton of money to sit in meetings all day.  What do we make? I really don’t know but somehow venture capitalists want to give us money. But it’s cool. Most of the guys on the team where you will be placed are making over $100,000 a year to respond to email and fix typos on websites. Are you still interested? Great! Let’s keep walking!

The reason we haven’t already offered you the position is because we have one final interview. We have these things called Healthy Points here at Benefit City. You can track them on your Apple Watch. You get points by doing physical activity, like running.  Oh this? This is just a storeroom. We call this a trust exercise, come on in. We are going to strip you naked, tape your mouth and put your head in a garbage bag. This is actually how you will meet our CTO.

I know it’s cold, just follow sound of my voice. We are going to round up the rest of the teams and we’re going to put on our sacrificial hoods now. I’ll take the bag off so you can see. Do you see what you have to look forward to?! We’re going to an open soccer field surrounded by woods. Our goal is for you to get away from us, if you do, you win and get the job. If you lose it means that you have been injured and you will be left to bleed out on the field. The one who killed you gets a new BMW.

On my count…1…2…GO!

Blurred Lines

Dear Robin Thicke,

In your song “Blurred Lines” we are still unclear as to what rhymes with, “hug me.”  So we have taken the liberty to compile a list of possible guesses:

  1. Fug me
  2. Rug me
  3. Tug me
  4. Pug me
  5. Mug me
  6. Plug me
  7. Thug me
  8. Smug me
  9. Jug me

“The Crow” by Edgar Allan Poe

I’m sitting in art history this week and we are talking about Bosch’s Garden of Earthly Delights. If you look closely in the lower lefthand corner of the left panel, there is a bird.  It is a black bird.  My teacher called it a crow. She then makes some reference to the fact that the far right panel is dark and ominous. Then she makes a Poe reference.

“Yeah, you guys know that story by Edgar Allan Poe, ‘The Crow?'” My heart skipped a beat. I paused.  My ears perked up.  I was wondering if someone was going to correct her.

One of the senior citizens auditing the class raises his paw, “yeah, like in the story by Poe, ‘The Crow…'” I was like, “aw…naw…” the next 2-3 people to comment on this thread kept calling Poe’s poem “The Raven” “The [motherfucking] Crow.” AW! AAW! NAW NAW NAW! I couldn’t even tell you what they were saying because I was too busy trying not to explode.

If I hadn’t had to stay after to turn something in, I would have packed up and walked out of the room.

I don’t care if you don’t know Poe, or if you failed high school English or even if you don’t know that it’s a poem, not a story. I don’t care, we’re not all English majors.  But at least know the fucking species of the animal in one of the most famous things ever written.

Poe rolled over in his grave on Wednesday.

Why Michael’s is the 2nd circle of hell

I am in this art history class and for our final project we have a paper.  Which, ok, this fucking paper. She has 2 (two) single-spaced pages of instructions but uses words like “visual analysis” and “visual summary.” Nowhere does it say you need a thesis. That’s a whole other conversation and we need to write this tonight with brevity because (1) I have to pee and I’m really just too lazy to get up (2) I’m tired because that 7am nap in the Walgreen’s parking lot just didn’t get me through to all day (3) If I think about this too much my head may explode.  But yeah, the other half is a 4″ x 4″ piece of “artwork.” I want to punch her in the face them vomit all over her for this.

A list of reasons why I, and you, and anyone who has hobbies outside of making useless shit should hate Michael’s:

  • Everything is expensive as fuck
  • Everything is covered in foam
  • They sell miles of string, but no scissors
  • Beads. Just…Beads
  • How in the fuck….how many kinds of mod podge do you need to feel important
  • Glitter. Glitter is the work of the devil.
  • Fake flowers, yet none of said fake flowers say what kind of real flower they represent, so they are made-up flowers sold only at Michael’s Flower market
  • What is up with all the glass flat-sided bead….things? You put them…where?
  • Flameless candles
  • Real candles that nobody buys so they are discolored and smell like shit
  • Framing that costs at least 1,000,000,000,000x more than ANYWHERE else
  • Another note on framing, I don’t fucking know what size anything is, don’t ask me these questions, you’re wearing an apron therefore you are supposed to hold the answers to my framing questions
  • Beanie Babies at the checkout. Come on.
  • Stale candy at checkout, because we all know stay at home mommies who make headbands for their Etsy stores can’t resist some stale M&M’s

Get in the Hole Guy

I played competitive golf for many, many, many years and I still enjoy watching the game.  I haven’t picked up a club for its native purpose in probably five years, but I still understand the game and the fundamentals of a decent swing (I also used to give lessons).

I am watching the Players Championship with my dad, and if you have ever watched golf, you know that when watching a player putt, there is always some asshole that shouts “GET IN THE HOLE!” to all his fellow viewers and the television viewing audience at home. Nobody watching golf at a bar can hear him because bars don’t understand what closed captioning is. He shouts it with such violence and urgency that one can only assume he practiced it before leaving the house and the entire car ride to the course. I would like to think that he has money on this match, but nobody in their right mind bets on professional golf. Nobody.

I feel like this man never gets laid.  I would think that he would scare off all female golf lovers, not just because he cannot control the volume of his voice, but also because he is the asshole shouting at a golf tournament. Although, I am a little intrigued about what he would be like in bed.  It would be all “what are you doing?  GET IN THE HOLE! GET. IN. THE. HOLE!!!” and then his below average penis would hopefully get to where it was going.

I imagine this man lives by himself in a 2-bedroom apartment.  The master, he sleeps in, and the second bedroom is full of golf memorabilia, a Dell Inspiron computer, and a Casio keyboard.  Screaming “get in the hole” is the highlight of his week, I say week, because I assume he has no job.  He is a “freelance” accountant (read: unemployed) and waits tables at TGI Friday’s on the side just to make rent. He drinks MGD from the can while out with his friends, regaling them with the details of the match he witnessed that day.  His monthly expenses range from $600 for his Topeka, Kansas apartment rent to his $200 a month Kia Optima car payment and the remaining money he is paid goes to online poker and paid-access PGA websites.  He is into weird porn, the kind of porn he can’t afford.  He lost his virginity at 25 and is currently 45 pounds overweight.  He needs to justify his existence by disturbing everyone at an official PGA event. He feels like if he can immortalize himself on the golf channel then he is someone.

Never being an athletic one, golf would push his boundaries too much.  It would require him getting off the couch and getting some fresh air.  He prefers to spend his time between shifts playing Tiger Woods on his PS2. He tries to travel to as many PGA events as possible so that he can spread his love of the sport at all volumes.  I heard the PGA is tracking him and is trying to ban him from events.  He sits in the bleachers at the 18th hole as close to the cameras as possible while he sends his friends (who also find this hilarious) out to refresh his $8 beer.

Well, Get in the Hole guy, I don’t think I am alone in formally requesting that you shut the fuck up.  Golf is not a shouty sport, it’s a whispery sport with polite clapping.  If you want to shout, get tickets to an Eagles game and let your aggression shine.

Things I Need More of According to Pinterest

  • Glitter
  • Chalkboard Paint
  • Mason Jars of assorted sizes
  • Self-Esteem
  • Crayons
  • Goat Cheese
  • Buttermilk****
  • Cupcakes of any variety
  • To be Gluten Free*
  • To be Married Multiple Times
  • Peonies
  • Daisies
  • Interior Paint**
  • A blog
  • A husband who doesn’t mind me spending all his money on aforementioned products
  • A job that isn’t really a job *****
  • A job in which I can work from home
  • More yoga pants
  • 15 children
  • No tastebuds
  • A 2000 sqft home that consists of one bathroom and one bedroom and the rest is a kitchen
  • Terracotta planters of all sizes
  • Chalk
  • Forgiving neighbors
  • Lots of friends ***
  • Cardigans
  • 1500 pairs of white sandals
  • Anything that has anything to remotely do with zombies
  • The ability to understand the allure of zombies
  • To know exactly what a zombie is
  • Possession of skinny jeans in all shades and colors
  • The ability to not look like a snocone in skinny jeans
  • To know exactly what Paleo is and want to do that as well
  • A steady hand to paint owls, squirrels, stars, hearts, and/or mini portraits of your family on your nails
  • The ability to add extra vowels to words for emphasis (i.e. SOOOOO, WOOOOOW, :)))))) without the slightest bit of irony

* Except for cupcakes.  No knowledge of what it actually means to have celiac disease is necessary

** The paint color needs to be so bright and so heinous for your “pop of color” on your “accent wall” that it will take the people who buy your house 3 coats of primer to cover it up

*** That you will hopefully meet while “pinning”

**** That you will only use 5 tablespoons of and then throw the rest away

***** So that one can spend all day “pinning” and “crafting”

Missed connection: My paycheck

***Some context: I worked at an ad agency in 2009 that was going under.  They often missed payroll and we would go weeks without being paid.  It was awful.  So one day I wrote a missed connection for my paycheck and put it on craigslist.  It was promptly flagged and taken down.

I missed you last week. I look forward to you being deposited into my account on the first and fifteenth of every month. What happened?I know I called you small and insignificant, but you are significant. You mean something to me. The truth is, I could find another one of you somewhere else, bigger, more caring, but I can’t just leave you. But you left me.Sure, “next week,” but I need you now, paycheck.When I applied for this job, I thought it was a reputable company, as it turns out, I am in an abusive relationship with [redacted].

If you come back, I promise not to complain or make fun of your size ever again. Let’s go shopping like the old days. Me, my bank account, the electric company, and my landlord all miss you.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

BOCL: c. 2009

***I was dating my husband at the time when I wrote this.  He was in CHS and I was in HHI. Clearly I did not find a new suitor on Craigslist because we (Jared and I) got married. I did get called a bitch a lot for this, however.

Full Time Position (hilton head island)

compensation: my affection
I am currently seeking a full time boyfriend.My current boyfriend lives about 2 hours away and we can only be together on the weekends so after careful consideration, I have elected to lay him off.I am going to need somebody available 2-3 nights a week, and maybe a saturday or sunday afternoon.I am of normal size, so no heavy lifting will be require although you may be required to move some of my shit from time to time.  Any other heft I may have is emotional.

I enjoy eating a great deal, some of my previous boyfriends were afraid to eat in public, so you will be required to pass an eating test.

The minimum requirements are as follows:

-Bug Killing (even roaches and spiders)
-Beer Drinking (but still drive my drunk ass home)
-Full Time Employment
-Your own friends
-A vehicle manufactured in this decade
-A regular Hygiene schedule
-Ability to pass a drug test for “hard” drugs (i.e. meth and heroin. Cocaine is negotiable if you have a decent dealer)
-Clean cheating record
-Ownership of a pet is a plus
-Strong stomach for Lifetime Movie Network
-You must possess furniture that you have purchased post post-secondary (No Futons)
-Ability to operate a dishwasher
-Creativity (in the bedroom and out) is important but not a total deal breaker
-No children or ex-wives
-Must own at least one tie

Please include a photo from the waist up, with a list of 3 references including past girlfriends

  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers

BOCL: 8/16/08

***This actually made Best of Craigslist. I got a lot of response from dudes who look at classifieds on Craigslist looking to “take me out,” and “treat me right.” Also, pretty much everything that is in this ad has happened.

I am just going to come out and detail exactly what I am looking for in a mate.

I am looking for somebody who is unemployed with no prospects in sight. I am going to need somebody who is codependent upon me after a short amount of time, usually around 2-3 weeks at most. Being in a band is a plus.

I am going to need somebody who ignores me and will not introduce me to their friends as it has been proven that this is unnecessary and will only allow you to control me even further.

I really look forward to meeting somebody who will break in my new couch for me while i am at work, passed out urination on said couch is great.

Please take advantage of me at any turn and tell me outrageous lies about the time you were a marine sniper in Cambodia for 9 months. This will impress me with how tough you are and hopefully get me into bed that much sooner.

It would be best if you did not have a car, but instead insist on driving mine everywhere, particularly after you have cleaned my refrigerator out as well as my liquor cabinet, extra points if you don’t have a driver’s license.

Any kind of unkempt facial hair, such as a “soul patch” is also something that will get you places with me. Additionally, owning an iron is not ideal and i would rather your appearance was sloppy and if at all possible, your clothing was visibly soiled.

I would also appreciate if you repeatedly cheated on me, even better if it would be with my friends while i am out of town. When i confront you about your indiscretions, please be sure to not only lie to me, but to blow the conversation out of proportion and blame me for it.

As for sex, please be demanding and bad at it. My orgasms are entirely unnecessary and it would be best if you could focus solely on yours.

Also, if you have children from a previous endeavor, I would like it very much if you would pawn them off on me while you spend you’re evenings playing grab ass with your friends. are you a deadbeat dad? Bonus!

Please be sure to stick me with the tab at all times. I wouldn’t think of letting you pay and it is important to me to be able to be your doormat both financially, emotionally and physically.

I would love it if you could be passive-aggressive and take your insecurities out on me as well as my family members. I love feeling awkward because you cannot deal with your own personal failures.

Also, i am going to need to be with somebody who by their mid-twenties still asks their parents for money and will please, exaggeration of your previous lifestyle is a must. Anything to try and impress me.

As for emotion, i would love if you could cry on a weekly basis when you are drunk because your life is not what you had hoped. Additionally, i would appreciate very much if you could slap me around once and awhile to “toughen me up”.

To conclude, if you feel that you can meet these requirements, and can bring yourself to roll off your friends or current girlfriends couch, drop me a line, maybe I can buy you dinner.