- What is your favorite animal both to eat and to cuddle.
- What percentage of your day do you spend fantasizing about carrying the dog around in a sling?
- How many dogs do you actually have?
2. We had 2.5 but she passed away last summer.
- Do you own a lawnmower, Stephanie?
Technically yes but after I tried tirelessly one summer afternoon to get it started we now have a Corey who comes twice a month.
- So you’re an artist now? Last I checked you were a writer.
I’m a writer with writers block and the worse my writers block gets the better my art gets. I just started research for a new book.
- Why aren’t you in tech anymore?
Because I’m not.
- But you almost were…again.
Indeed. I made it to the final round of interviews at [redacted local tech company] and I had verbal confirmation from the hiring manager that I would have an offer but instead I was served with a form letter email telling me that I didn’t get the job.
- Is it true you quit drinking…again?
- Doesn’t that suck?
- What do you do with all those figs from your fig tree in your backyard?
I do exactly nothing with them and pray the birds will take pity on me and come clean off my tree so I don’t have a bunch of rotting fruit in my backyard. What in the fuck am I supposed to do with 200 figs? Have you ever had a fig? Like from my backyard? No? They are tasteless. Every year I dread May because they start budding and I’m all “the fucking figs are back.” Like its a surprise. Like I am impressed, yet again, with nature and its seasonal changes. Surprise! The tree, which is a portion of the bane of my total existence, has bloomed and bore fruit again this year. We should chop the fucking tree down and put in a fire-pit that can be overgrown with the grass that never gets mowed by whoever is responsible for that task.
- What happened to your company?
We will probably get around to naming the LLC something else for tax purposes and run anything that happens here through it but More Caffeine Studio is still around if we have to do something but we aren’t accepting new clients.
- This year, how many plants have you killed?
Hang on, I am counting. 8? Does that sound right? 10 if you count the two christmas cacti that just hate me and won’t bloom. They may be dead, or just sleeping. I don’t know. But I have one plant that refuses to die. It is a potato. In a jar. Suspended with toothpicks.
- What did you end up going to school for?
Something that doesn’t really require a degree and doesn’t involve math.
- Why don’t you just have kids?
Because having a parasite inside of my sexual organs freaks me out. Also, I am the center of my world (as I imagine, I am the center of your world as well), I do not need a screaming, pooping, bundle of hell in my life.
- Do you have Tourettes?