***This actually made Best of Craigslist. I got a lot of response from dudes who look at classifieds on Craigslist looking to “take me out,” and “treat me right.” Also, pretty much everything that is in this ad has happened.
I am just going to come out and detail exactly what I am looking for in a mate.
I am looking for somebody who is unemployed with no prospects in sight. I am going to need somebody who is codependent upon me after a short amount of time, usually around 2-3 weeks at most. Being in a band is a plus.
I am going to need somebody who ignores me and will not introduce me to their friends as it has been proven that this is unnecessary and will only allow you to control me even further.
I really look forward to meeting somebody who will break in my new couch for me while i am at work, passed out urination on said couch is great.
Please take advantage of me at any turn and tell me outrageous lies about the time you were a marine sniper in Cambodia for 9 months. This will impress me with how tough you are and hopefully get me into bed that much sooner.
It would be best if you did not have a car, but instead insist on driving mine everywhere, particularly after you have cleaned my refrigerator out as well as my liquor cabinet, extra points if you don’t have a driver’s license.
Any kind of unkempt facial hair, such as a “soul patch” is also something that will get you places with me. Additionally, owning an iron is not ideal and i would rather your appearance was sloppy and if at all possible, your clothing was visibly soiled.
I would also appreciate if you repeatedly cheated on me, even better if it would be with my friends while i am out of town. When i confront you about your indiscretions, please be sure to not only lie to me, but to blow the conversation out of proportion and blame me for it.
As for sex, please be demanding and bad at it. My orgasms are entirely unnecessary and it would be best if you could focus solely on yours.
Also, if you have children from a previous endeavor, I would like it very much if you would pawn them off on me while you spend you’re evenings playing grab ass with your friends. are you a deadbeat dad? Bonus!
Please be sure to stick me with the tab at all times. I wouldn’t think of letting you pay and it is important to me to be able to be your doormat both financially, emotionally and physically.
I would love it if you could be passive-aggressive and take your insecurities out on me as well as my family members. I love feeling awkward because you cannot deal with your own personal failures.
Also, i am going to need to be with somebody who by their mid-twenties still asks their parents for money and will please, exaggeration of your previous lifestyle is a must. Anything to try and impress me.
As for emotion, i would love if you could cry on a weekly basis when you are drunk because your life is not what you had hoped. Additionally, i would appreciate very much if you could slap me around once and awhile to “toughen me up”.
To conclude, if you feel that you can meet these requirements, and can bring yourself to roll off your friends or current girlfriends couch, drop me a line, maybe I can buy you dinner.